Monday, April 25, 2011

Just Me

Home one asking me for anything....

No one telling me they need something, for me to do something, take them somewhere, buy them something that they "have to have now"

No one complaining about not getting something or especially, telling me I'm not doing something for one slamming doors, rolling eyes, staring at me with blank faces wondering when my mouth is going to stop one wrestling, screaming, yelling, music blaring, no banging of a mini basketball in a hoop and pretending a play of a real hitting, head-locking, tumbling down the sneaking into the kitchen waiting to get reminding for the 10th time to pick up the shoes or take out the asking me, begging me, crying to me, arguing with me.....

None of it....because this weekend...I was alone...alone...alone

In the quiet...with my own thoughts that I could complete without being interrupted....with my own time schedule that I could decide when and if to get up.....with a clean kitchen that stayed clean the WHOLE weekend.....and with no all

To say that it was heaven, is a huge was bliss...a silky cloud that I wanted to feel caress my skin continually...a warmth in my soul that I wished never to end....

I found myself actually hearing the conversations in my head with myself! Asking questions in my head and answering them out loud! Thank God there are no cameras in my house or I'm sure I would be placed under medical observation! But I don't care...I was finally enjoying the real sense...a feeling of having control over my time, my choices, my life..even if it was for only a few days.

There is a feeling that comes over a woman when she has no one else around to take care of other than herself.....a feeling of ease, of centeredness, of peace...

Ok, maybe I can only describe myself here because there are probably people reading this and only thinking that if they had a whole weekend to themselves, they would go insane trying to find something to occupy their time, or worse, come up with every little thing to do that they had been wanting to accomplish or finish. But that was not me.

No, although at times I caught myself multi-tasking and wanting to busy myself with things that I knew needed to be those moments, I stopped, reassuring myself that things would eventually make their way to getting done, but that this was an opportunity that I needed to let myself bask in...I needed to make myself be in the full moment of doing all....really

And so my weekend of no children, no man, no dog....just me...was filled with laying in bed...making coffee and breakfast and taking it to bed....watching movies that I had wanted to see, in a row, with no interruptions! Reading my books...eating when I felt like it....not even turning on the lights for 3 days straight!! Yep...heaven!

I don't know when the time will ever come again that I get such a gift, but I can tell you, this was probably the most enjoyable weekend I have ever had!!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Real Housewives of Blogging

They’re fabulous, yet frugal…….they’re crafty and creative…….they’re bold and opinionated……..and most of all, they live in a world that can be accessed as quick as you can open your laptop!

Welcome to Blogland!

This is a world, a life, that one (like myself) finds intriguing and attractive.

This life, this blog life, captivates me because of the wonders that it offers, the mesmerizing possibilities of things that can be: better – easier – richer – fuller –

See, this world sucks you in with the problem-solving capabilities like nothing you have ever experienced before.

Women, from all over the world, can be your friend, your mentor, your supporter, even your mother! They gladly give you advice, tips, clues, and solutions to any problem you will ever encounter and maybe, even a few solutions to problems you didn’t even consider trouble!

Imagine! A world where you can do it all! A world where you don’t even have to think because it’s already done for you!

There are lists and forms and planners that the most intelligent of women have taken their time to put together for you so that you can be more organized and more efficient – and they give it to you FREELY. Then, there are more women that can show you how to take those lists and expand them in order to organize your children, your husband, even your pets! These women, also show you the latest and greatest of tools and supplies that you can use to organize every closet, pantry, drawer and shelf of your house! They will tell you exactly what to do with all of the clutter in your house – your garage – your attic – maybe even your in-laws!!

Then, when you’re done with each nook and cranny of your house (and you’ve made sure to comment on all of the organizing blog entries to make sure you’re giving lots and lots of comment “luv”), you can begin to enter the world of blogging women that craft, create, and explore every possible hobby that will help you and your home stand out from the rest of your neighborhood! (not that anyone in the neighborhood would be coming to look at your clean, organized, crafty home because who has time to have face-to-face conversations with people, let alone invite them over?? Forget it!)

Living in blogland, you will also learn to take lots and lots and lots of PICTURES (especially to post on that silent? Quiet? Sleepy? Day of the week in blogland where everyone justs posts pictures – no words).

You will be taught how to use everyday stuff (not my everyday stuff cuz that would amount to a few paperclips and rubberbands – but someone else’s everyday stuff!) and create seasonal masterpieces to show off to friends and family (pretending they are coming over, of course), unique and fun games to play with your children – in between the organized lessons, while taking pictures of them (or photoshop them) having the most fun and exciting time……so you can link to the world’s greatest mom blogs.

You will also learn how to manage – money, kids, husband, parents, friends – anyone in your life that needs controlling (everyone, right??) so you can have order and stability and no one sees you going ballistic (after all, that’s not what blogland ladies do) But if there ever is a time that you just have to let it all out, screaming, shouting, using those “ugly words” (seem to come right out of me so quickly!), there are women out in the blogland that can help you and give you advice.

These women can interrupt your babbling and boo-hooing in such a way that you may even start to believe you’ve actually been in your therapist’s office, laying on her couch – but this way you don’t have to pay!!

And the best part? You can hop onto another blogroll and in no time at all, you are the one giving the advice! Imagine! Pretty soon, you might begin to convince yourself that all of this time and effort you’re giving might result in an actual degree!

Don’t know which blog that comes from, but when I find out, I will make sure to tweet it, facebook wall it, link it, share it, and of course – take a picture of it!

You see…….once you have entered this dreamland of blogging, you will never want to come out of your room or off of the couch… just sucks you in! And you don’t want to leave! Because then, who will tell you what to make for dinner? Or where the specials are to get the best deal on detergent? Or what contest to enter today in order to maybe win a family vacation? Who will tell you what to do with the teenager that is screaming at you? Or what to do with the dog that just ate half of your shoe? Who is going to tell you how to get the grape juice out of the new rug? Who is going to ask you to join their vlog (video blog….c’mon, get on board already!!) and chat with other women about the newest Hollywood star that is on drugs…..Who?

Well, ladies of blogland, the truth is…..very few……that’s who.

In dreamland blogland, every woman is the possibility of a connection – a bond – a sense of togetherness that is like living among the best, brightest, and most talented…all behind this 13 in. monitor! ( I know, I’m getting a bigger one as soon as I’m told where the next special is!!)

Could I live here? Yes……absolutely……if I didn’t have to actually get up and buy those groceries with those amazing coupons, and cook that dinner in the DIY remodeled kitchen that only happens if you actually do it……I could live in blogland full time without a blink of an eye…….if I didn’t have those rugrats that are running around (with the lists that I printed out) yelling at eachother (in complete sentences, now) about who’s turn it is to play the game we made using ideas and directions from a woman in Australia……yep, I could live here

If it weren’t for reality…….that’s where you could find me…….as a Real Housewife of Blogging

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Backseat Driver

Is this where you want to be at this time in your life?  Is it where you thought you'd be?  I know everyone has that season in their life where you begin to look back at choices/decisions that you've made and get caught up in the "what-if" stage.  I know every choice has made us the people that we are, so despite the "no-regrets" mantra of the day......let's talk.......or shall I say, let me talk and you tell me if I'm a bit more insane today!


My life has been in limbo for so long that I don’t think I would even know what it feels like to have it stable.  The limbo has become my norm - brought on by the wide range of choices and decisions that I have made throughout my thought process though (wait for it!) has been to take somewhat of a backseat:

I seem to make choices and decisions based on what other people need of me or want of me or expect of me and then find myself completely surprised with the fact that I am unhappy.  I’m not saying there isn’t a conscientious decision on my part to play out my own life. Or that every choice is only made if someone else asks something of me, but I do believe that I am unaware of how easily I give in to major decisions that seriously affect my life based on the fact that I want to make the other person happy, hoping that it spills over into my mind as what I perceive as “happiness”.

And then I’m stuck!

I know this is hard to follow, but stay with me......

My intention is to have close, intimate relationships and somehow I have psychotically thought this meant just giving in and going along, yet.....I then become angry with the other person for making the decisions for my life!  See??

How can I blame the other person for leading me down this path when I allowed them to do so. I find myself becoming resentful toward them for sticking me with this life, as if I had no choice in the matter.


I am the one that said yes, ok, sure, sounds good.

And maybe there were some times where I stopped and argued or caught myself putting the brakes on, but then, I let the talking (convincing) occur, and begin to agree or become silent and “just go along” (normal for me, ugh!).

Over my 36 years of life, I still fall into the trap that I built myself! No one can make me do anything, choose anything, decide on anything, unless I allow them to.
Yet it is so much easier for my own psyche to believe that “poor” me is this victim against the “big-bad person” out to kill my happiness.

Sure, part of having relationships is giving of oneself, showing the other person care and concern by being selfless. It’s a give and take thing. Meeting someone halfway and sometimes more when they are in need. I do this automatically – so much so that I become paralyzed when that type of giving is not returned. Completely surprised that someone would take my innocent and loving outpouring for granted and not show their appreciation by giving it right back to me!! How dare they!

But really, how dare me??

Am I really telling myself that another human being is going to see me and my love the same way as I do? Am I really asking another person to hold dear this cherished giving-of-myself when I haven’t expected them to? Why have an issue now and not speak up before? Was I thinking I would learn to like it? Settle? Or down the road it would look different to me?

How on earth can I expect someone else to honor me, cherish me, appreciate me, and love me unconditionally when I allow the complete opposite? I allow it by just going along, thinking that although it’s not feeling right, maybe it will get better.


The hardest part is always ourselves – the fight from within.

So what’s the lesson? (is there one? HAH!)

The lesson is that unless we, especially as women, are not present each and every day, in every aspect of our life, undoubtedly aware of ourselves and the relationships we have around us………then ultimately we will make choices and decisions based on others’ wants and needs and then wake up unhappy with how our life has gotten “here”!!

We have to stop allowing ourselves to take a backseat while giving the steering wheel to someone else that is going down a road we did not choose.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Passion: Exciting or Exhausting??

lighten up”, “you’re so serious”, “are you mad?”, “what’s wrong?”

Comments, statements, so-called advice that I have heard all of my life.

Passionate, intense, introspective, analytical…words that I would use to describe myself.

2 completely different ways of looking at me – others vs. myself.

I have always been told by my parents that since I was a little girl, I have been a “watcher” a “thinker”, and I would have to agree. I’m the quiet one when it comes to a group of people or if the conversation is surface-level. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy meeting new peopIe or can’t be part of getting-to-know-you chats – I actually enjoy going out and being social.

Yet, I understand myself enough to feel that I have come to terms with my natural instinct to need and crave a sizeable amount of time alone. This is my personality and I accept that this is who I am.

But in serious relationships, this has always been a problem, and something that I seem to have a hard time balancing. Let me explain.

- Sidenote – for anyone just joining my crazy and mixed-up life, you might want to check out a few earlier posts to help understand the current situation I’m in and it may make more sense as to why I’m a bit psychotic! Ha!: Reality, Ugh!, or My Sky is Falling.....

Now, on to the point:

To know me, it takes time. I will not let you close until I have built enough trust in you to know that I will not be judged or misunderstood – which usually takes a while.

To know me, it takes understanding. I am not the busy-body, chatterbox that will talk about anything and everything, just so there is not silence. I am a friend to silence! Quietness! (nothing wrong with a chatterbox though, no offense) But unless there is understanding, my quietness is mistaken for a snobbish attitude. Which is why people always tell me how surprised they are once they get to know me because I’m completely different than how I came across. “You’re not conceited at all!” – well, that’s good!

To know me, it takes a willingness to be open and honest. And this is where the relationship becomes too much. 
I’ll be the first one to go out and have a good time, get crazy and wild, and have no regrets!
But if you’re in a relationship with me for an extended amount of time (no, not a week! Not even a month – thank you!), there will be an expectation for real emotional connection – some intense, soulful discussions. I’m not your therapist and you’re not mine (thank God, right?) but if I care for you and have even professed my love for you, then I want to know you from the inside-out!

To know me, it takes great communication skills, or at least an effort to expand your knowledge of those skills. No, I’m not asking for a great orator or a master intellect (ugh – don’t you hate it when people try to sound smart! LOL), just conversations that go beyond the daily humdrum of life. I crave stimulating conversations and discussions about people’s lives and how they have come to be at the place in life they find themselves.
It’s interesting what happens to a relationship when you have a chance to reach an intense connection simply by sharing the real you! My passion comes out in this way!

There is no expectation for the amount of conversations or stimulating discussions that need to be had, but once every couple of weeks? (Or maybe that is an expectation!) Is that really too much? Cuz if it was up to me, it would be once a week!  I know-therapy!!

So, anyway

Me: Intense, serious, passionate, overwhelming, deep…….

And what do you get in return? Loyalty, compassion, supportive through hard times, authenticity, sincerity – not a one-sided relationship, I don’t think.

However, unless you’re my dad (therapist) or a man with a unique ability of being self-aware, I become “too much” for this type of relationship. Too much to handle, too much work, especially when it comes to handling everything long distance and in the crazy world of blended families!

So, this is where I’m at right now, to satisfy the wondering followers that have been asking if I’m still writing! I don’t think this would qualify, except for an update inside my peculiar head!

Thanks for letting me share today!


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