Is this where you want to be at this time in your life? Is it where you thought you'd be? I know everyone has that season in their life where you begin to look back at choices/decisions that you've made and get caught up in the "what-if" stage. I know every choice has made us the people that we are, so despite the "no-regrets" mantra of the day......let's talk.......or shall I say, let me talk and you tell me if I'm a bit more insane today!
My life has been in limbo for so long that I don’t think I would even know what it feels like to have it stable. The limbo has become my norm - brought on by the wide range of choices and decisions that I have made throughout my life......my thought process though (wait for it!) has been to take somewhat of a backseat:
I seem to make choices and decisions based on what other people need of me or want of me or expect of me and then find myself completely surprised with the fact that I am unhappy. I’m not saying there isn’t a conscientious decision on my part to play out my own life. Or that every choice is only made if someone else asks something of me, but I do believe that I am unaware of how easily I give in to major decisions that seriously affect my life based on the fact that I want to make the other person happy, hoping that it spills over into my mind as what I perceive as “happiness”.
And then I’m stuck!
I know this is hard to follow, but stay with me......
My intention is to have close, intimate relationships and somehow I have psychotically thought this meant just giving in and going along, yet.....I then become angry with the other person for making the decisions for my life! See??
How can I blame the other person for leading me down this path when I allowed them to do so. I find myself becoming resentful toward them for sticking me with this life, as if I had no choice in the matter.
I ALLOWED THIS. I CHOSE THIS.
I am the one that said yes, ok, sure, sounds good.
And maybe there were some times where I stopped and argued or caught myself putting the brakes on, but then, I let the talking (convincing) occur, and begin to agree or become silent and “just go along” (normal for me, ugh!).
Over my 36 years of life, I still fall into the trap that I built myself! No one can make me do anything, choose anything, decide on anything, unless I allow them to.
Yet it is so much easier for my own psyche to believe that “poor” me is this victim against the “big-bad person” out to kill my happiness.
Sure, part of having relationships is giving of oneself, showing the other person care and concern by being selfless. It’s a give and take thing. Meeting someone halfway and sometimes more when they are in need. I do this automatically – so much so that I become paralyzed when that type of giving is not returned. Completely surprised that someone would take my innocent and loving outpouring for granted and not show their appreciation by giving it right back to me!! How dare they!
But really, how dare me??
Am I really telling myself that another human being is going to see me and my love the same way as I do? Am I really asking another person to hold dear this cherished giving-of-myself when I haven’t expected them to? Why have an issue now and not speak up before? Was I thinking I would learn to like it? Settle? Or down the road it would look different to me?
How on earth can I expect someone else to honor me, cherish me, appreciate me, and love me unconditionally when I allow the complete opposite? I allow it by just going along, thinking that although it’s not feeling right, maybe it will get better.
COMPLETELY INSANE!! RIDICULOUS!
The hardest part is always ourselves – the fight from within.
So what’s the lesson? (is there one? HAH!)
The lesson is that unless we, especially as women, are not present each and every day, in every aspect of our life, undoubtedly aware of ourselves and the relationships we have around us………then ultimately we will make choices and decisions based on others’ wants and needs and then wake up unhappy with how our life has gotten “here”!!
We have to stop allowing ourselves to take a backseat while giving the steering wheel to someone else that is going down a road we did not choose.