Just Me

Home alone....no one asking me for anything....

No one telling me they need something, for me to do something, take them somewhere, buy them something that they "have to have now"

No one complaining about not getting something or especially, telling me I'm not doing something for them.....no one slamming doors, rolling eyes, staring at me with blank faces wondering when my mouth is going to stop moving.....no one wrestling, screaming, yelling, shouting....no music blaring, no banging of a mini basketball in a hoop and pretending a play of a real game....no hitting, head-locking, tumbling down the stairs....no sneaking into the kitchen waiting to get caught...no reminding for the 10th time to pick up the shoes or take out the trash....no asking me, begging me, crying to me, arguing with me.....

None of it....because this weekend...I was alone...alone...alone

In the quiet...with my own thoughts that I could complete without being interrupted....with my own time schedule that I could decide when and if to get up.....with a clean kitchen that stayed clean the WHOLE weekend.....and with no noise..at all

To say that it was heaven, is a huge understatement....it was bliss...a silky cloud that I wanted to feel caress my skin continually...a warmth in my soul that I wished never to end....

I found myself actually hearing the conversations in my head with myself! Asking questions in my head and answering them out loud! Thank God there are no cameras in my house or I'm sure I would be placed under medical observation! But I don't care...I was finally enjoying peace...in the real sense...a feeling of having control over my time, my choices, my life..even if it was for only a few days.

There is a feeling that comes over a woman when she has no one else around to take care of other than herself.....a feeling of ease, of centeredness, of peace...

Ok, maybe I can only describe myself here because there are probably people reading this and only thinking that if they had a whole weekend to themselves, they would go insane trying to find something to occupy their time, or worse, come up with every little thing to do that they had been wanting to accomplish or finish. But that was not me.

No, although at times I caught myself multi-tasking and wanting to busy myself with things that I knew needed to be done...in those moments, I stopped, reassuring myself that things would eventually make their way to getting done, but that this was an opportunity that I needed to let myself bask in...I needed to make myself be in the full moment of doing nothing...at all....really

And so my weekend of no children, no man, no dog....just me...was filled with laying in bed...making coffee and breakfast and taking it to bed....watching movies that I had wanted to see, in a row, with no interruptions! Reading my books...eating when I felt like it....not even turning on the lights for 3 days straight!! Yep...heaven!

I don't know when the time will ever come again that I get such a gift, but I can tell you, this was probably the most enjoyable weekend I have ever had!!

The Real Housewives of Blogging

They’re fabulous, yet frugal…….they’re crafty and creative…….they’re bold and opinionated……..and most of all, they live in a world that can be accessed as quick as you can open your laptop!

Welcome to Blogland!


This is a world, a life, that one (like myself) finds intriguing and attractive.

This life, this blog life, captivates me because of the wonders that it offers, the mesmerizing possibilities of things that can be: better – easier – richer – fuller –


See, this world sucks you in with the problem-solving capabilities like nothing you have ever experienced before.

Women, from all over the world, can be your friend, your mentor, your supporter, even your mother! They gladly give you advice, tips, clues, and solutions to any problem you will ever encounter and maybe, even a few solutions to problems you didn’t even consider trouble!

Imagine! A world where you can do it all! A world where you don’t even have to think because it’s already done for you!

There are lists and forms and planners that the most intelligent of women have taken their time to put together for you so that you can be more organized and more efficient – and they give it to you FREELY. Then, there are more women that can show you how to take those lists and expand them in order to organize your children, your husband, even your pets! These women, also show you the latest and greatest of tools and supplies that you can use to organize every closet, pantry, drawer and shelf of your house! They will tell you exactly what to do with all of the clutter in your house – your garage – your attic – maybe even your in-laws!!

Then, when you’re done with each nook and cranny of your house (and you’ve made sure to comment on all of the organizing blog entries to make sure you’re giving lots and lots of comment “luv”), you can begin to enter the world of blogging women that craft, create, and explore every possible hobby that will help you and your home stand out from the rest of your neighborhood! (not that anyone in the neighborhood would be coming to look at your clean, organized, crafty home because who has time to have face-to-face conversations with people, let alone invite them over?? Forget it!)


Living in blogland, you will also learn to take lots and lots and lots of PICTURES (especially to post on that silent? Quiet? Sleepy? Day of the week in blogland where everyone justs posts pictures – no words).


You will be taught how to use everyday stuff (not my everyday stuff cuz that would amount to a few paperclips and rubberbands – but someone else’s everyday stuff!) and create seasonal masterpieces to show off to friends and family (pretending they are coming over, of course), unique and fun games to play with your children – in between the organized lessons, while taking pictures of them (or photoshop them) having the most fun and exciting time……so you can link to the world’s greatest mom blogs.

You will also learn how to manage – money, kids, husband, parents, friends – anyone in your life that needs controlling (everyone, right??) so you can have order and stability and no one sees you going ballistic (after all, that’s not what blogland ladies do) But if there ever is a time that you just have to let it all out, screaming, shouting, using those “ugly words” (seem to come right out of me so quickly!), there are women out in the blogland that can help you and give you advice.

These women can interrupt your babbling and boo-hooing in such a way that you may even start to believe you’ve actually been in your therapist’s office, laying on her couch – but this way you don’t have to pay!!

And the best part? You can hop onto another blogroll and in no time at all, you are the one giving the advice! Imagine! Pretty soon, you might begin to convince yourself that all of this time and effort you’re giving might result in an actual degree!

Don’t know which blog that comes from, but when I find out, I will make sure to tweet it, facebook wall it, link it, share it, and of course – take a picture of it!


You see…….once you have entered this dreamland of blogging, you will never want to come out of your room or off of the couch…..it just sucks you in! And you don’t want to leave! Because then, who will tell you what to make for dinner? Or where the specials are to get the best deal on detergent? Or what contest to enter today in order to maybe win a family vacation? Who will tell you what to do with the teenager that is screaming at you? Or what to do with the dog that just ate half of your shoe? Who is going to tell you how to get the grape juice out of the new rug? Who is going to ask you to join their vlog (video blog….c’mon, get on board already!!) and chat with other women about the newest Hollywood star that is on drugs…..Who?


Well, ladies of blogland, the truth is…..very few……that’s who.

In dreamland blogland, every woman is the possibility of a connection – a bond – a sense of togetherness that is like living among the best, brightest, and most talented…all behind this 13 in. monitor! ( I know, I’m getting a bigger one as soon as I’m told where the next special is!!)


Could I live here? Yes……absolutely……if I didn’t have to actually get up and buy those groceries with those amazing coupons, and cook that dinner in the DIY remodeled kitchen that only happens if you actually do it……I could live in blogland full time without a blink of an eye…….if I didn’t have those rugrats that are running around (with the lists that I printed out) yelling at eachother (in complete sentences, now) about who’s turn it is to play the game we made using ideas and directions from a woman in Australia……yep, I could live here


If it weren’t for reality…….that’s where you could find me…….as a Real Housewife of Blogging

Backseat Driver

Is this where you want to be at this time in your life?  Is it where you thought you'd be?  I know everyone has that season in their life where you begin to look back at choices/decisions that you've made and get caught up in the "what-if" stage.  I know every choice has made us the people that we are, so despite the "no-regrets" mantra of the day......let's talk.......or shall I say, let me talk and you tell me if I'm a bit more insane today!

So,

My life has been in limbo for so long that I don’t think I would even know what it feels like to have it stable.  The limbo has become my norm - brought on by the wide range of choices and decisions that I have made throughout my life......my thought process though (wait for it!) has been to take somewhat of a backseat:

I seem to make choices and decisions based on what other people need of me or want of me or expect of me and then find myself completely surprised with the fact that I am unhappy.  I’m not saying there isn’t a conscientious decision on my part to play out my own life. Or that every choice is only made if someone else asks something of me, but I do believe that I am unaware of how easily I give in to major decisions that seriously affect my life based on the fact that I want to make the other person happy, hoping that it spills over into my mind as what I perceive as “happiness”.

And then I’m stuck!


I know this is hard to follow, but stay with me......

My intention is to have close, intimate relationships and somehow I have psychotically thought this meant just giving in and going along, yet.....I then become angry with the other person for making the decisions for my life!  See??

How can I blame the other person for leading me down this path when I allowed them to do so. I find myself becoming resentful toward them for sticking me with this life, as if I had no choice in the matter.

I ALLOWED THIS. I CHOSE THIS.

I am the one that said yes, ok, sure, sounds good.

And maybe there were some times where I stopped and argued or caught myself putting the brakes on, but then, I let the talking (convincing) occur, and begin to agree or become silent and “just go along” (normal for me, ugh!).

Over my 36 years of life, I still fall into the trap that I built myself! No one can make me do anything, choose anything, decide on anything, unless I allow them to.
Yet it is so much easier for my own psyche to believe that “poor” me is this victim against the “big-bad person” out to kill my happiness.

Sure, part of having relationships is giving of oneself, showing the other person care and concern by being selfless. It’s a give and take thing. Meeting someone halfway and sometimes more when they are in need. I do this automatically – so much so that I become paralyzed when that type of giving is not returned. Completely surprised that someone would take my innocent and loving outpouring for granted and not show their appreciation by giving it right back to me!! How dare they!

But really, how dare me??

Am I really telling myself that another human being is going to see me and my love the same way as I do? Am I really asking another person to hold dear this cherished giving-of-myself when I haven’t expected them to? Why have an issue now and not speak up before? Was I thinking I would learn to like it? Settle? Or down the road it would look different to me?

How on earth can I expect someone else to honor me, cherish me, appreciate me, and love me unconditionally when I allow the complete opposite? I allow it by just going along, thinking that although it’s not feeling right, maybe it will get better.

COMPLETELY INSANE!! RIDICULOUS!


The hardest part is always ourselves – the fight from within.

So what’s the lesson? (is there one? HAH!)

The lesson is that unless we, especially as women, are not present each and every day, in every aspect of our life, undoubtedly aware of ourselves and the relationships we have around us………then ultimately we will make choices and decisions based on others’ wants and needs and then wake up unhappy with how our life has gotten “here”!!

We have to stop allowing ourselves to take a backseat while giving the steering wheel to someone else that is going down a road we did not choose.

Passion: Exciting or Exhausting??

lighten up”, “you’re so serious”, “are you mad?”, “what’s wrong?”

Comments, statements, so-called advice that I have heard all of my life.

Passionate, intense, introspective, analytical…words that I would use to describe myself.

2 completely different ways of looking at me – others vs. myself.

I have always been told by my parents that since I was a little girl, I have been a “watcher” a “thinker”, and I would have to agree. I’m the quiet one when it comes to a group of people or if the conversation is surface-level. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy meeting new peopIe or can’t be part of getting-to-know-you chats – I actually enjoy going out and being social.

Yet, I understand myself enough to feel that I have come to terms with my natural instinct to need and crave a sizeable amount of time alone. This is my personality and I accept that this is who I am.

But in serious relationships, this has always been a problem, and something that I seem to have a hard time balancing. Let me explain.

- Sidenote – for anyone just joining my crazy and mixed-up life, you might want to check out a few earlier posts to help understand the current situation I’m in and it may make more sense as to why I’m a bit psychotic! Ha!: Reality, Ugh!, or My Sky is Falling.....

Now, on to the point:

To know me, it takes time. I will not let you close until I have built enough trust in you to know that I will not be judged or misunderstood – which usually takes a while.

To know me, it takes understanding. I am not the busy-body, chatterbox that will talk about anything and everything, just so there is not silence. I am a friend to silence! Quietness! (nothing wrong with a chatterbox though, no offense) But unless there is understanding, my quietness is mistaken for a snobbish attitude. Which is why people always tell me how surprised they are once they get to know me because I’m completely different than how I came across. “You’re not conceited at all!” – well, that’s good!

To know me, it takes a willingness to be open and honest. And this is where the relationship becomes too much. 
I’ll be the first one to go out and have a good time, get crazy and wild, and have no regrets!
But if you’re in a relationship with me for an extended amount of time (no, not a week! Not even a month – thank you!), there will be an expectation for real emotional connection – some intense, soulful discussions. I’m not your therapist and you’re not mine (thank God, right?) but if I care for you and have even professed my love for you, then I want to know you from the inside-out!

To know me, it takes great communication skills, or at least an effort to expand your knowledge of those skills. No, I’m not asking for a great orator or a master intellect (ugh – don’t you hate it when people try to sound smart! LOL), just conversations that go beyond the daily humdrum of life. I crave stimulating conversations and discussions about people’s lives and how they have come to be at the place in life they find themselves.
It’s interesting what happens to a relationship when you have a chance to reach an intense connection simply by sharing the real you! My passion comes out in this way!

There is no expectation for the amount of conversations or stimulating discussions that need to be had, but once every couple of weeks? (Or maybe that is an expectation!) Is that really too much? Cuz if it was up to me, it would be once a week!  I know-therapy!!

So, anyway

Me: Intense, serious, passionate, overwhelming, deep…….

And what do you get in return? Loyalty, compassion, supportive through hard times, authenticity, sincerity – not a one-sided relationship, I don’t think.

However, unless you’re my dad (therapist) or a man with a unique ability of being self-aware, I become “too much” for this type of relationship. Too much to handle, too much work, especially when it comes to handling everything long distance and in the crazy world of blended families!

So, this is where I’m at right now, to satisfy the wondering followers that have been asking if I’m still writing! I don’t think this would qualify, except for an update inside my peculiar head!

Thanks for letting me share today!

Reality of Holidays with Kids

Christmas means making memories and continuing traditions and enjoying time together. And I go into my favorite season looking forward to the excitement of it all!

Yet the holiday experience seems to change as kids get older – leaving a different reality than the one I find myself fantasizing.

It seems that the enthusiasm seems to dwindle and the excitement for each Holiday idea gets met with rolling eyes and “do we have to?” comments.

Now I’m not saying that I have tons of Holiday traditions or that I “have” to have certain things done during Christmas, but there are some things that make Christmas “feel” more special.

Like decorating the Christmas tree together, as a family, with each person participating.
My Ideal thoughts play out like this: we all go to pick out the “perfect” tree, not too big, but a good size for the living room....dad brings the tree into the living room setting it in it’s place...we all grab the ornament boxes, turn on the Christmas music, laugh and smile as we put each memorable hand-made ornament on the tree...turn off all of the lights, grab the eggnog and cookies, and sit together as a family admiring the beautiful tree while enjoying the time together!

I know, I’m a little sick in the head to think this way. But somehow, no matter how many years go by, I always catch myself so surprised when the nights’ events turn out WRONG!

Reality: the bickering begins as no one can agree on the right tree...dad brings the tree into the house after fighting to get it straight in the stand for 20 minutes...the Christmas music is put on low so the football game can be watched by dad who is telling everyone where to put the ornaments from the comfort of the couch 6 feet away...the puppy is chewing on the light cord or choking on the pine needles...children are fighting over putting “their” ornaments on the tree, the teenagers are texting and asking when we are going to be done so they can go to their rooms...and by the end of the night, I’m the only one left in the dark room with the half-decorated tree, boxes and paper scattered everywhere, a cookie in one hand and a glass of SPIKED-eggnog in the other – staring at the sleeping man on the couch, wondering where my Christmas tradition went!

I know, I’m complaining – but it won’t last long

So, anyway,

This year, I decided to use the advent calendar shared with us by our foreign exchange student a few years back, and surprise the kids each day with little trinkets and candy as they counted the days till Christmas. Now in my head, I pictured excitement and anticipation as they opened the daily pocket, happy faces and grateful hugs and kisses would be given to me, and they would go enjoy their little gift as they looked forward to the next day.

HAH!

Reality has a way of stomping out such ideal thoughts when it comes to having 2 teenagers and 2 pre-teens! So reality went something like: yelling at each other for picking out the candy before the others were ready, telling me they don’t like that particular candy, the 2 older ones telling the 2 younger ones they could have the toy because it was dumb, and by the end of the 25 day countdown they had to be reminded just to get the stuff out of the pocket!

Now, I know when it comes to having kids, especially teenagers, our “ideal” will never be reached and we should just learn to be content with any happiness or joy we find in life.

But, since I’m not a “should” type of person, I like to think that I can keep my ideals and my Holiday spirit and not lower my expectations simply because I have teens and pre-teens.
I give myself the freedom to get irritated and scream and yell over the most mundane things because that’s me. Because I can also look back and laugh at myself for being neurotic and a bit obsessive.

And I can do this because I know that at the end of the day, my kids – no matter how big they get – still enjoy cuddling up with me, snacking on popcorn, and watching their favorite Christmas movies next to this year's Christmas tree that died 3 days AFTER we bought it! Stupid Tree!!

That Reality will ALWAYS be my Ideal.

The Lost Manners

 

When did a thank you become a request instead of an automatic response to someone giving us something or showing an act of kindness? Have we become so accustomed to receiving that we take for granted the every day work of others?

And how is this played out in our families, with kids showing no appreciation for the blessed lives they lead?

I think the only time I ever hear a thank you in my household is at the dinner table (after prodding for a response to “mmmm, sure tastes good!”) or when I bring home a surprise gift, but that usually ends in a complaint that it was the wrong one somehow.

I have been astounded in the last couple of weeks by the sad response of the high schoolers in writing their teachers Thank You cards. Since I have taken on the Hospitality Chair of our PTO, I thought it would be a nice gesture to buy a bunch of thank you cards and sit at lunch every day for 2 weeks in order to have students come up and sign a card, and then deliver them to the teacher’s mailboxes today. (Not exactly my idea of a great time in the middle of my days, but at least I get to see Sam – not that she would even acknowledge my existence, but that is a different blog entry!)

My first eye-opener was when a girl came up to ask about one of our community service programs and discuss her earning hours. After the discussion, I gestured to the thank you cards laying out on the table and asked her if she would like to write a card to a special teacher for Thanksgiving. Without any hesitation, she looked straight at me, and asked, “do I get service hours if I write a card?” –Did your jaw just drop?- I have to say, I was too stunned to answer her and she ended up just walking away from the table.

What I wanted to say was: WHAT??? Are you kidding me? In order for you to say thank you to a teacher that gives of their time, money, and knowledge to enable you to complete your education, you have to be BRIBED to say a simple thank you?????

My continual eye-opener has been the amount of students that, when asked if they want to write a quick thank you card to a special teacher or administrator, they respond by saying they don’t have any special teachers!!

OH YEA! I forgot!! You’ve gotten to this place in your life ALL BY YOURSELF!! Are you joking??

Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all in vain. There were many girls and a few guys that were quite excited at the idea of thanking their teachers that have been influential in their lives. And it brightened my day to see the smiles on their faces as they thought out each perfect word as they were writing.

So this experience got me wondering about the idea of saying thank you and how the act of saying those words (or the lack of them) affects both the people in our lives as well as our own lives.

During this “Thankful” season, it was interesting that I found a study published by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, analyzed by Professional Counselor Steven Lucas in his article “Saying Thank You is No Longer Just Good Manners”, which was conducted in order to see how gratitude affects both the person saying thank you and the motivation it gives to the other person to keep providing help. Lucas gives a very informative and interesting analysis, and I would encourage you to take the time to read his article at: CounselingCentral.com.

Although I love to make connections and enjoy the study of human behavior, I am definitely NOT a psychologist (yet having a family of psychologists is a pretty good education!), but I completely understand how saying thank you somehow connects people together. Feeling valued and worthy encourages us to keep giving, keep helping and in fact, inspires us to thank the people that help and give so much to us. And so continues the act of saying thank you.

So where has the “attitude of gratitude” gone? Is it still around or has it slipped away along with so many foundational characteristics taught to us by our parents or family? Will it be one of those things that we only notice when it’s gone? I hope not.

Teaching my children to be considerate, appreciative, and thankful has to truly be done explicitly. I have to assume that they will just mimic my behavior or say “thank you” out of obligation, instead of a sincere feeling of gratitude, which only comes from understanding the true worth of effort.

I must remember that taking them to places where they can volunteer their time and help others will benefit them for the rest of their lives. Teaching them to earn what they want instead of just receiving without having done any work will, in time, help create more thankful attitudes and a gracious heart toward other’s needs.

And although I want my children to grow up with a feeling of social worth and be intrinsically motivated to put others before themselves, I also live in reality and can always hope and pray that a little bit of ideal can sneak its way into our family.

And may even be met with a THANK YOU someday.

Spik N' Span

 

Ever feel like you’d like to carry parts of your past into your present? Or stop yourself mid-action because it just came straight out of your childhood? Well that sort of thing happens to me a lot, especially when I’m starting a mind-numbing task like cleaning (!!) or actually the lack of it! Hah!

I caught myself just this morning, walking into the bathroom, getting ready, and then right before walking out, found myself looking back at the clutter on my bathroom sink and thinking (13-year old thoughts) – Mom will put that stuff away! WHAT?? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM??

My mother used to pick up after me constantly and I only say that because I don’t know of one instance (suppressed memories) of when my mother was bugging me to pick up things. Now I’m sure it happened and I’m sure she was pulling her hair out as much as I do (daily) but I always remember her cleaning, having order in the house, making sure things were kept up so when anyone would stop by, she would be ready.

I also know that she picked up after me on a regular basis because I still find myself dropping things in one place or another and thinking for a split second, “someone else will take care of that, or clean that dish, or put that away” REALLY! NO JOKE! It’s like my mental state goes right back to the “good ole days” when I had someone (mom) following me around (or at least my stuff) and making everything nice, clean, organized, and sparkly! Now I seem to be looking behind me, thinking that someone will be nice and kind enough to see that there is a mess and then politely clean it up without my need to say anything!

I know, I’m not basing this argument in reality, and no, I haven’t taken any happy pills to help me imagine such a place, although feel free to share, seeing as I need to go there quite often!

I am not what you would describe as having the need to be constantly cleaning. Some days I wish I had some form of OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder…skipped me!) so that I would actually WANT to get down on my hands and knees to scrub the little rubber connections on the refrigerator door or organize each and every closet, cupboard, and drawer….WITH labels!!. I think that would be a gift! Something that would actually save me money, seeing as how I love to spend my time doing other things (building my business, writing, volunteering, exercising) in a clean house.

See, I’m one of those people that although I would much rather be doing something else, I can’t concentrate unless my house is at least tidy. Even now, I’m having quite a hard time focusing on my words because my eyes keep getting distracted by the books, papers, backpacks, and cups that have begun to litter my living room….dragged in by the mess makers of my house coming home from school.

So I’m left with the only alternative to this chaos, and that is….to clean (UGH!), not super-anti-bacterial-scrub-the-floor-type of cleaning….because that would be too Suzy-homeaker-of me…and then what would I have left to complain about…oh yea, my CHILDREN….so to cleaning (or should I say straightening) I go..now if only I could find my mom!

Wishing Me Enough

 

On my quest to find contentment (hah!!)...due to the fact that the attitudes and behaviors exhibited by my oh-so-grateful children have left a lot to be desired..I figured I may (or may not) have something (just a little) to do with it. I KNOW! CRAZY HUH??

So trying to get to the bottom of why the young people in my house have had terrible, nasty, rude, obnoxious, and irritating attitudes (just my opinion), I wanted to read up on it and find out if it is only my house that seems to be in a constant state of grumpy!

Now I have to start out by saying that there is 1 family member that is the epitome of optimistic happiness and is forever smiling and laughing and being goofy…..and if it wasn’t for her personality, I think our whole house would collapse in piles of sulking faces!! My Madison has such a great, uplifting attitude in most everything she is a part of and it is quite contagious! She may get on the nerves of her brothers and sister, but it is always with the intention to make them laugh…..and I just LOVE her for that!!

BUT, our household obviously has not caught on to Madison’s ability to see the glass half full, which has led me on this quest for ENOUGH.

As the saying goes, “when you point your finger at someone, there are 4 more fingers pointing back at you”, I knew that before I continue to scold and reprimand the ugly attitudes of my children, I first had to look at how my own attitude needed a bit of tweaking!

So in reading blogs, journal entries, and devotionals, I ran across these thoughts by SeniorLiving Ministries which were passed down from generations of mothers to their daughters and have struck a chord in my heart…..(Read at least twice)

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get through the final goodbye."


My wish, for myself, is that I would find this ENOUGH in order to pass onto my children the wisdom in what it takes to truly know what it means to have ENOUGH.


That for everything going on in my life (our lives):

I must choose to joyfully be present so they can learn the value of a good attitude.

I must choose to appreciate, so they can learn to be content.

I must choose to make memories and laughter so they can learn to simply enjoy.


I love to be inspired to be better, to make choices for change that I know will forever impact my ability to become a better person and in turn a better mother.
And I love that with an inspired attitude, I can take on this chaotic life of mine….and SMILE.

On Which Road?

 

>

No, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life! OK??

I feel as if my life has taken on multiple paths, all going in different directions, waiting for one of them to become solid and that has not happened yet...

Those all too familiar questions keep popping up: Am I doing the right thing? Did I make a mistake giving up my career? Do I want to continue as a business owner solo now that my partner is not here full-time? Do I need to take classes to become more knowledgeable and secure in managing a business? Will I like it if I do? Should I wait so we can dig ourselves out of this debt from unemployment and a 2-year run at a new business?

I DON’T KNOW!!

The fog is still here and I don’t see it being lifted anytime soon.

So in the mean time, I’m at home, hearing questions from my children like: Why aren’t you teaching anymore? Don’t you like teaching? What do you do all day mom?

SIT ON THE COUCH, EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, AND PLAY ON THE COMPUTER ALL DAY – OK???

But really,

I am enjoying the ability to be a Stay-at-home-mom. I like being home when my kids get home because at their ages, there is a lot of homework, projects, and tests. I like being able to run to the school if one of them has forgotten something……..being able to save them from embarrassment or disappointment ( I KNOW….we can’t save them all of the time, they have to learn to live with it…but if I can make them happy in some little way, that gives me some motherly pride!).

I have enjoyed volunteering at all of the schools – elementary library assistant, middle school chaperone, high school VIPS hospitality chair – because it enables me to use all of the skills and knowledge from teaching and support from behind-the-scenes.

See, I’ve been in the hot-seat of classroom teacher and I know what it takes to get the job done in the midst of politics, very little money, and pressure from all sides. So I figure, if I can make the schools my children attend a little better by giving of my time, money and effort, then maybe I am doing something right during this tumultuous period in my life.

Although I find it interesting, that my kids ask why I’m not working, but then never hesitate to ask if I can bring them lunch or remind me of things I need to bring for their classroom...hmmm...

So, here I sit...blogging...on my computer...calendar and to-do list in front of me...as I wonder, once again, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??

My Own Box

 

Entering the grumpy stage...

the crabby stage...

the mean, nothing-will-satisfy-me stage...

I don’t wake up ready to fight or ready to yell, but lately, it just seems that when it comes to managing this household of mine and hearing 2 pre-teens and 2 teenagers go at each other and at me, I just can’t help myself when the words come spilling out...

I have never called myself the most gracious and tender-hearted mother. I have a difficult time showing compassion to children that whine, complain, make rude remarks (and smile when they get the reaction they were waiting for), and have to be told (7 times) to put back what they just got out!!

See, I look at mothers (you know who you are) that undeniably were born with that certain extra gene, which allows them to be in a constant state of patience. They smile with loving eyes to children that are having a meltdown over having to take a shower………they pick up each and every toy, sock, towel, video game controller that has been left nonchalantly around the house, without so much as a complaint or comment. They happily clean every dish, wash each and every piece of clothing, and cook every meal with heart-felt joy. I look at these mothers and all I can do is laugh…….because I know my reality.

I know I have that big, long, disgusting list that holds everything I am not, everything that I SHOULD be, everything that the ideal mother strives each and every day to become. See, I’m nothing near that. I’m not that mother, nor do I pretend to be. Does it weigh on me sometimes? Sure……..Do I compare myself to that ideal? Yes………but out of guilt……..not out of realistic expectations.

If I changed that LIST of motherly attributes that I do not possess, it would look something like this:

As a mother, I need to work on:

****saying 1 positive thing BEFORE screaming

****consistently refer to the chore chart no matter what mood I’m in

****keep my own mouth shut when the sarcastic and rude comment wants to come blaring out, especially when certain children have asked the same question 5 times straight without a pause to let me answer!!!

****hugging instead of visualizing myself smacking that “roll of the eyes” off their face

****taking the video games, cell-phones, and lap-tops away when every direction from me is met with a pout, a rude comment, or an irritating attitude

****acknowledge to myself that there will rarely be a time that I am appreciated, valued, or simply loved for just being a mother…….that I don’t get a break from this responsibility, that I can (no matter how difficult sometimes) see my children as individuals instead of aliens that have come to make my life HELL, and to remember that this (no matter the difficulties) is what I signed up for when I chose to have a child, or 2, or 3, or 4..

Now before I start getting all of the hate comments regarding this post, let me remind all of you that I am NOT, and don’t pretend to be, a perfect mother so there is no point in wasting your breath to try to make me feel guilty. Remember, I know that “best-mom” award will not be making its way into my hands.

I also know that despite my grumpiness, my screaming and yelling, my dramatic squealing, there is no expectation that I can hold myself up to because I am who I am. I believe there will always be things to which I can improve and ways that I can become a better mother. But will I let that control me? No…Will I let that dissuade me from telling my children flat-out what I think? No..

I have a lot of faults, a lot of attitude, a lot of opinion, and a whole lot of passion.

So I don’t expect my kids to be any different! I complain, whine, yell and scream! And so do they!

So I guess that’s to be expected……….like mother, like child.

I can’t be anything less than me, faults and all. So, to HELL with the box that this mother is supposed to fit into...it’s too small anyway.

Distinctively Different Genders

 

Differences in boys and girls, to me, is astounding! I am always surprised how the distinction is so obviously played out right in front of me, day in and day out. It’s kind of like having my own experimental box where I can observe the incredible variations between my 2 girls and my 2 boys……..and the fact that they are 9, 10, 12, and 14 just add to the bizarre observations!

Here are a few for your enjoyment:

Boys...

*** Have very little need for communication or expressing thoughts except when either telling their siblings to do something or reenacting a sporting event

*** Tease in ways that reach new heights (or lows) where sarcasm and “below the belt” insults are hurled at each other at any given moment

*** Always seem to have sweat somewhere on their body (somebody please explain this to me!)

*** Always have a runny nose that apparently cannot be blown, it must be sucked up into their sinuses with such force as to make a pig blush

*** Keep their room messy enough to be comfortable, yet clean enough to ensure there won’t be any nagging by mom…..BUT always come out wearing clothes that look like they have been wadded up in a corner for weeks

*** Have a persistent habit of taking socks off anywhere and everywhere, only to be found under sofa cushions, kitchen pantries, and desk drawers

*** Eat as if they have just found out that their food will somehow be snatched away at any given moment…..so it must be shoveled into their mouths as quickly as possible in order to fill the plate again…..before anyone else has time to swallow their first few bites

*** Can toss, throw, and catch a ball between themselves and another person for HOURS! And this simple act is so compelling and exciting??

*** Hold the record for excuses given to “prove” to others that they are NOT wrong, NOT to blame, and certainly did NOT make a mistake


ON THE OTHER HAND,


Girls...

• Express themselves in every possible way, using every emotion, every hand gesture, every voice inflection……for 10 minutes…only to finally get to the point of asking to go to a friend’s house

• Tease, use sarcastic humor, insult with a smile…..and then are completely surprised when someone says something “mean” back to them

• Always ask if they smell, have stinky breath, or look ok……I guess this is to practice a response for when they turn this questioning onto a husband

• Have an uncanny knack for collecting blush, lipstick, nail polish, jewelry, lotion…..and never quite knowing how it came to appear in their bedroom or that it looks exactly like the one missing from mom’s bathroom

• Don’t keep their room……..clean or organized…get nagged at by mom constantly….BUT always manage to come out looking like they had coordinated their outfit weeks ago

• Eat as if their food will be there forever and is not as important as the conversation going on at the table

• Have a persistent habit of walking into the house , taking off shoes……..then scrambling chaotically to find a particular pair among the fourteen shoes stuffed below the couch when it’s time to leave the house

• Stretch, bend, do cartwheels, practice dance steps, record themselves singing…….and get ecstatic when they can show their “performance” to anyone that will watch (except boys, because they will act like it’s stupid, when really the girls know they enjoyed it)

• Hold the record for initiating conversations with the words “are you mad at me?”….again, practicing for the future spouse




There are more differences between boys and girls, especially in my household, but I thought it best to not go into the really embarrassing ones! Even though, you know I was REALLY wanting to!

So, now it's your turn....if you have any gender distinctions among your clan that you would be brave enough to share, I would love to hear some great examples!

It's the Little Things

 

The Guilt-aholic is having a relapse and is in desperate need of a sponsor!! It's as if the takeover of school schedules, events, papers, and whole lot of crap on my desk has essentially pushed me over the edge.

The crabby neurotic has come out ensuring that the faces of my children have taken on that "knowing" look....the look that says "here she goes again, just wait for her to get over the ranting and raving and then try to talk to her"!

I have been doing pretty well holding my own being this single-mom of 4 right now...I've only had 2 blow-ups in the last week and that's good for me....this is the part where I'm trying to build myself up so I'd appreciate the support right now!


But because I'm supposed to be freeing myself of the guilt, eradicating the self-loathing on my abilities as a mom, and consciously making the effort to see the good in how I handle my children (this is the hard part) I needed to once again enter into my rehab and share a few guilt-less mommy moments:

So, here we go:

Hello, My name is Candace and I am a Mommy Guilt-aholic.



As I have progressed in this mommy world, I see many characteristics that have been passed down from my mother (many that could be conceived as thoughtful and sensitive and others that could be seen as a bit on the dramatic side) one, in particular, that I am utterly thankful to my mom for showing how to truly put others before me (in a selfless way, not a martyr-way) which is to pay attention to the details of people you care about. I am definitely delighted when I can surprise people by getting them simple, little gifts that I have noticed they use daily or just enjoy.

It's one of those things that I just keep a list in the back of my mind when I notice they like something or have asked for something in the past (children).

Sam, being the teenager she is, is always conscious of her breath, always asking if her breath is ok or if I have gum/mints in my purse that she can have on her way to school...and she always knows I do, being as this is a major issue for me - hating bad breath!
So going to the store for the 10th time the week before school started, I came home and pulled out a pack of gum and mints for her to take in her backpack for school. When I handed it to her, she turned to me with a surprise grin on her face and said, "mom, how is it you always know exactly what I want?" and of course I said, "Because I'm your mom and that's what we do" (YEAH-ME!)

This was a repeated conversation with Madison, when I brought home more headbands for those extremely long locks....although she asked (for the 100th time) if I happened to have run to the shoe store to get her those ??(don't know what they're called) sandals and I said no...seeing as she has quite the shoe fetish (Lord help me with this "diva" child), she was excited to have the headbands different colors so she could coordinate them with her already-laid-out-wardrobe for the week!

The conversation was not repeated with the boys, mainly due to the fact that we have "food" issues in our house....keep in mind, I have only had the boys for 3 years and before me, they were quite used to having fast food at any given requested moment or a live-in nanny/cook/maid that would serve up anything anytime they chose, regardless of any nutritional value at all....and then came me....not a short-order cook nor a fast-food lover and most definitely a one-cooked-meal-a-day mom (I don't cook breakfast except on weekends and certainly don't feel a need to make a mess in the kitchen in the middle of the day for lunch when I'll be messing it up for dinner) And don't even get me going about the tantrums and whaling done in my house over picky-eating (I will have to do a different post on that huge subject - advice needed), which by the way is probably one very big reason I am so disliked by the "other" family.

I know...the evil step-mom!! Guilt included, thank you!

So with the boys, I have tried to surprise them with the little things they like or enjoy that have nothing to do with food. I had noticed that when we were getting all of the needed supplies for the start of school days, JR had mentioned wanting a new pencil box when he overheard TJ asking for one because "all the other kids in junior high carry one", so when I went for the last trip (still fighting the crowds), I came home and surprised JR with his own pencil box to which he jumped up and said "is that for me?" (being the youngest always puts him in doubt that he actually gets something new!)

TJ (my other shop-aholic...imagine if I let both him and Madison have a day at the mall, I think I would get the mother-of-the-year grand prize) likes his surprises a bit different, see, going on 13 he doesn't like to be given something because he cannot accept anything he didn't have a choice about. Even if it is something he asked for, he will find something wrong with it because he did not do the choosing. So TJ's surprises have to come in the form of "let's go to the store so you can pick out...", which is what I did in letting him choose his new backpack (he had done quite the convincing of why the 5 other backpacks laying around were not good enough now that he was going into junior high).
So surprising TJ with a choice will get the loves, hugs, and kisses - after the choice has been made at the store, an hour later because he can't make up his mind (are we sure he's not my blood??)


So with the little things that I do for my kids, I get to show them that I really do listen to their wants and I really do care about them.
I get to acknowledge their uniqueness and individuality. And I get to show them that despite this neurotic and insane mom, they are the most special things in my life.

And if I'm lucky, I get to see their faces light up (even if it's for a second before they start in on the next thing they have to have) because of something that this mom cared enough to notice.

Shopping....the Sport

 

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
-- Erma Bombeck

This quote came to mind this past weekend as I took my Samantha and Madison on a mommy-time outing while the boys were at the golf course for the day. I had a picture in my mind of how this day was going to play out…….and I, once again, was surprised at the fact that nothing EVER goes how it is planned, especially with me, especially with children!

The girls and I ate breakfast at I-HOP (thinking at least Madison would eat free, but nooooo, they eat free starting at 4pm! Oh well), chatted with them about school year starting, trying really hard to just enjoy the time with them………

BTW, why is it (at least for me) that being “in the moment” is so incredibly hard… it’s like my mind instantly goes to all of the things I need to get done or how much money is this going to cost me or any of the crazy thoughts that are blasting through my head at the time when I should (HATE THAT WORD) be sitting and listening and enjoying a moment with my two incredible daughters……

And then…..we went shopping……..ugh!......for a teenager – UGH!.....who has the decision making ability that has been passed down through generations of women in my family, which if you’ve ever been through a shopping experience with us, I promise you will end the time pulling your hair out, stomping your feet, and shouting at the top of your lungs in the middle of a crowded store: “JUST MAKE A F**** DECISION ALREADY!!”……..so after 5 stores with nothing in our hands, we decide to brave the Tax-Free Weekend crowds (thank you Texas Legislature) and head to the mall (I know what you’re thinking, but having no “give-me-the-patience-of-God” pills, I could not face the trauma of taking this teenager home without a single item of clothing!).

We head in………start fighting for breathing space among the numerous women and children (very few dads were seen at this adventurous outing….wonder why????)

Little side note: To all of the dads/brothers/uncles/selfish household members sitting at home in front of the TV on Saturday mornings or out playing with your “buddies”, I would like to give you a few hurtful reminders to be more helpful with the women of your children as they tolerate shopping with toddlers!!, so here are your due pains:

.....a bleeding eardrum from the many screams and wails of a child that has to carried because they don’t want to stay in their stroller and they most definitely DO NOT want to be held,

.....a vice on your head that somehow continues to tighten throughout the day leaving you with such a pain in your head that you can no longer organize a simple thought,

.....shoes that have begun to grow thorns because of the pain endured from walking and standing and chasing a bawling 2-year old,

.....and finally, a horrendous stomach-ache caused by a growing ulcer due to the continual stress of taking too many children shopping for hours on end because there is no one at home who will volunteer to watch these children!!

Ok...I’m done with that...

On to my point...I was getting there...during this escapade, we happened to find a few jeans, capris and shirts for Sam to try on...after rummaging through pile of clothes that had been tossed in various piles around the store...which happens when you’re shopping on Tax-Free Weekend when people seem to lose the capacity of putting items back onto hangers or actually folded on a shelf, and forget seeing anyone with a smile or any semblance of friendliness....

DO NOT expect ANY gracious attitudes! They are there to SHOP and SHOP and SHOP! And they will have no problem ripping that shirt out of your hands, hurling it at their child to go try it on, and pushing you out of the way with their over-stocked stroller…all before you even had a chance to check the size!!

So after the 45 minutes of assessing the clothing inventory (I think we were the slowest moving bunch……probably because I was scared one of my children was going to get run over and left for dead!) I had Sam go try on the clothes...simple, right?......well not today! We get to the fitting rooms and find that not only is there a line to get in, but the line contains about 15 other women/girls/teenagers/crying toddlers!

Not to be deterred, I tell Sam to get in line while I go look for some more for her to try on so we don’t have to negotiate a place in the line again. So Madison and I set off to hunt for more clothes.

This is when my Madison takes this opportunity into her own hands and begins to make her “case” for the “need” of additional clothes. I can tell that throughout this shopping experience, she has been contemplating this conversation for just this opportunity when older sister is not around to dissuade me from using her cash cow (me).

I take a deep breath, listen to her pleading and reasoning, take another deep breath, look her straight in the eyes and say “no”. No explanation (having given 100 already), no soft, warm, comforting words to let her down (again) nicely, just a “no”. Because I knew that if I kept to the one word, I would allow myself to stay in that peaceful, patient place where I wouldn’t lose control, scream at my innocent child, be rude and insulting to the people around me for staring at this psychotic woman that is having a major breakdown in the middle of the store. (Yeah me!!)

And you know what she did? Simply turned around, proceeded to pick up 2 shirts she thought Sam would like, and continued to walk to the fitting room with me. Can you believe it?? No groans, moans, roll-of-the-eyes, or terrible attitude! So after 5 minutes…..I thanked her for having such a great attitude when she didn’t get her way and then…….I told her she could pick out any new backpack that she wanted! (Yeah me!!) I LOVE the face on my children when they get a surprise that they had wanted!

So………heading back to the fitting rooms, I pass the people standing in line, go inside and around the corner, and find Samantha STILL in line because the line extends INSIDE the rooms!!!! Thankfully she was the next one to go in!

After leaning on a clothing rack, lifting a foot every now and then to help my aching feet get some circulation flowing, being stared at by various people (probably wondering why my child is sitting on the floor - out of the way of people because of her complaining feet), 15 minutes pass by and Samantha exits the rooms with a pair of jeans, shorts and a shirt…..DONE!!!

I won’t bother with the details of the check-out line, except to say that I think we had the most wonderful, happy, energetic cashier ring us up which was such an unexpected surprise given that she had been standing there listening to whines, screams and complains all day! And that’s just the children, I can’t imagine what she had to endure from the adults!! I was very grateful for her demeanor and should probably go back and give her some chocolate!!

And so ends my day out with my incredible and amazing girls who are truly a blessing to me each and every day. I am extremely thankful that I have these moments to share with them, even though they may remember the psychotic and embarrassing side, at least they’re shared memories.

May I never take any of it for granted!

My Sky is Falling!!

You ever have times in your life when you feel you're watching a movie about your life and your body is somehow part of the movie but your brain is sitting back thinking, "there's no way this is real"??

Ever have one of those?

Well, it seems to be happening quite a bit lately and I'm getting a bit freaked out! To the point that now, each time I'm walking outside, I actually look up to see if the sky is indeed falling!

Given that Terry has been gone for about a month and a half, and given the fact that there have been TWO (count, 2) pretty major things go on in our house in that time, and given the fact that my words (or posts, in this case) keep coming back to haunt me (or essentially bite me in the ass!)....I may seriously be looking into a career in fortune-telling!

I'm serious....if you happen to be a reader, follower, lover of all things Candace (aaawwww!), you remember my "reality" post about my issue with things being out of my control while Terry is gone! Well I must be completely INSANE to have uttered these words aloud because that is exactly what has happened.

FIRST, the week Terry left we (being humidity-loving, can't-get-enough-moisture-Houstonians) had torrential rain for 7 straight days. Well, since our humble abode was built when they obviously didn't know rain seeps in through brick, both our kitchen and den flooded (like flooded, as in, 2 inches of water on my floor!).
And who is left here to "save the day"???

ME!
along with every towel, blanket, pillow case, and old clothes that I could find.

Me, all alone to combat the incoming flood waters. (And mom on the phone, who graciously talked me through the crisis of running out of things to soak up the water).

But, alas, I made it through, feeling like quite the conqueror as I mopped, bleached, deodorized my way through the next day.

And THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN!!
Not the flood, not a storm, not some act of God that I would have to endure, hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel....no....this time when my man is not here and I have no "real" control over this household....

THIS HAPPENS:

 

 

 

This was a hole in the side of my house caused by a teenage driver that had thought when she pressed on the gas, she would be moving forward.....but no, I'm afraid, dear, that your car was in REVERSE!!!!!!!

So what does this inexperienced, just-got-my-license-today, teenage driver do?? She turns the wheel, goes across my grass, and SLAMS into the wall of my HOUSE with the back of her CAR!!!!

I receive a call from the shaky voice of JR, my 9-year old, telling me that someone has just crashed into our house. I fly home (2 min down the road) and am met by a wide-eyed-can't-talk- can't-breathe-because-I-just-wet-my-pants-teenager who's mother is standing there telling me that her daughter just learned to drive.

And all I really want to say is "where the f*** did you get her driving lessons so I can go show them the difference between the f*** gear called DRIVE and the f*** gear called REVERSE????!!!!

But being the polite, gracious woman that I am (and the fact that I can't think straight because my mind is racing between thanking GOD that my children didn't get hurt and not knowing what the hell to do next because I'm not so good in emergency situations), I asked the girl if she was ok or if she was hurt....she was still in shock so she just shook her head to say she was ok.....and then I asked the critical and utmost important of questions: did they have insurance?!
Cuz if she's not hurt, then I'm gonna get straight to the POINT!

And thank GOD she had insurance because the damage outside did not prepare me for the inside:

 

This is the wall behind my cabinets....which has been completely broken!

 

If I broke open the wood piece, I could actually see OUTSIDE!

 

My oven was pushed out of the wall!

 

And lifted off of the floor....there is actually a couple of inches now between the bottom of the unit and the floor that it used to be flushed against!

After the police were called and a report was being processed, the fire dept came (oh yeah, the kids LOVED this!!) to turn off the power to my ovens (looks like pizza again) and make sure there was no possibility of a fire occurring.

So.....to bring this up to date...less than a week later, a contractor has come out, told me that the repairs will be extensive and that I will be without half a kitchen for at least 1-3 weeks depending on material matching....and as it so happens, the insurance company has actually been helpful, courteous, and responsive (imagine that!)

and I have gone from anxiety-ridden emotions to laughing hysterically that of all things to happen...it had to have happened when Terry was gone!

He thinks it's humorous and has stated that these things must be happening because it's a "test" to see how well I can handle this living situation/responsibility/rely on myself thing!

I told him I don't want anymore damn tests!

I'm done!

I don't want to play out this movie and find out what the next "test" will be.

No more falling skies!

Going into Rehab

 

Well, it's time......to be honest with myself.....to be honest with those around me......it's been a long time coming, to look inside and truly evaluate what I know of myself.....how I have come to this place in my life..........

We can only keep going on until one day.....we hit bottom! We tell ourselves that we just can't keep pretending anymore!

So, here I go:

Hello, My name is Candace and I am a Mommy Guilt-oholic! There, I said it!!

And you thought the worst, didn't you??

Anyway, it's time for me to take the plunge and rehab myself out of the self-loathing, the self-criticism, the self-pity of seeing everything I do as a mom as terrible, scarring and irreversibly degrading to my children.

So I choose to stand in front of you as a recovering guilt-aholic who is determined to fight against my insanely neurotic self and begin to focus on the every day occurrences where
I AM A GREAT MOM! GO ME!!!

Case in point:
As some of you know, our family life has recently been turned upside down as Terry began working out in Shreveport, Louisiana leaving me with the single parenting job of 4. And as many of you have read from previous posts of this lingering reality, I haven't had the best attitude about the situation.....which in turn, as always does with me, finds itself into my attitude with the kids.
(STEP AWAY FROM THE GUILT!!)....getting there

Anywho.......so in Shreveport, the apartment has a pool, which is great for the kids and me to try and simply relax.

Well the other day, I decided to return to my love of reading Kris Radish's books (absolutely love her writing voice!!) and thought I would enjoy getting some sun and some reading for a bit by the pool. Meanwhile, TJ and JR thought they would break themselves away from the X-Box (amazing concept!) long enough to come out to the pool.
Here I am, enjoying my reading, enjoying the sun, enjoying being the only few people at the pool....and I look over to find the boys playing....

Lo and Behold......a thought comes over me.....which in my usual manner would be dismissed in my selfish need for "me" time.....but nonetheless, I thought: I'll go have some fun with the boys and take advantage of the time when I only have the 2 of them.....

(just letting you know.....i'm having many guilty, mom-bashing thoughts right now, and just thought I would share that since this is my rehab time)

So, I ended up playing water volleyball with them for at least 1/2 hour (It should have been more, right....STOP IT!)
And in the end, we had a great mom/boys' time......and I am very proud of myself!

Yeah, me!!

So, ends today's rehab session......

I would like to thank B in Real Life, for inspiring all of us to enter this rehab process, to free ourselves from the guilt we bear on our mom-shoulders each and every day!
Till next time....

I'm thinking I may need a sponsor to help my recovery!

The Ducks are Calling......

 

Yep, it's time......time for me to get serious.....really, down-to-earth serious.....about that one thing that has somehow made it's way out of my daily routine and out of my life as I know it in my world of today.

And that would be.....ugh.....organization, you know….having my “ducks in a row”

See, I am an all-together, organized, everything-has-its-place type of woman. After all, I went into education! It's in my blood, my DNA, my heredity given by my mother whom is the epitome of togetherness and cleanliness ( btw, why didn’t I get that “it’s not clean till I can see my face in the tile” gene?)

So where, or when, did I come to the place that I find myself in now, a place of dysfunction, disorganization, distastefully disgusting……and a whole lot of “dis” things!!?? I suppose when I came to the place in my life that I now refer to as “the pause”……the time in one’s life that nothing is moving forward, no big decisions are being made, and you simply find yourself waiting…..and waiting….and waiting for the next step in your life to somehow get dropped in your lap, to magically appear before you, to have the obscuring blindfold taken off

Well, without needing to go into all of the reasoning behind that (because that would take a few bottles of vodka and a “come to Jesus” meeting), let’s just say, I have become the opposite of the woman I once was in many areas, but certainly the area of organization.

So, it’s time…….and I figured it was time because as I began going through the stacks of papers and receipts and sticky-notes to find the thing I used to call a desk, I realized that I could finally breathe! Finally feel accomplished in an area of my life (or furniture) that enabled me to relax because all of a sudden, everything was in its place! I think I had forgotten how much power and strength could be drawn from the simple task of clearing, filing, organizing , and tossing!

Incredible!

This is an accomplishment that I didn’t realize I was needing to overcome. I didn’t realize that I had slowly begun to pile, and shift piles, and make new piles on top of previous piles…….and then feel as if I had no control over my life! WELL DUH!!

And now I see that as the piles began to grow, I became more tense, stressed, irritated……without bothering to self-reflect about why I was feeling this way (I love it when I can use my parent-induced psychology on myself!!)…..

So, I have a clean desk!

And now I find myself telling the little people in my house (and big) that I have a new resolution, and I’m not waiting for January! I’m starting now, before the house gets crazy with school and schedules and people……I’m moving this organization bug from office, to kids’ rooms (could take a while), to cubby spaces, drawers, maybe even the garage!…….and if you don’t hear from me for a few weeks, please check the closets!

I don’t care how long it takes, but I’m determined to go into this cocoon of disorganized psycho-woman and come out a beautiful, everything-has-its-place, peaceful, less-stressed momma!

It may take a while…a few midnight crisis calls to any professional organizer I can get my hands on….couple of good shots when I reach the boys’ room (or find it anyway)…but it’s gonna happen!

And if there are any sane or insane ideas or tips out there, then SHOW SOME LOVE!!

What am I writing for?

I'm beginning to see a pattern in this psychotic train wreck of blogging that I seem to be obsessed with! And the pattern is....when I begin to think of topics and random thoughts that I want to write about, I end up with the daunting task of actually choosing which topic or thought I would like to delve into.....which brings me to the inability to choose (because I have this brain of mine that immediately shuts down the minute I have to THINK and make a DECISION!).

Ever get that overwhelming feeling that you have so many things in your head and an incredible amount of information that is trying to come to some kind of order, that essentially you sit on the couch (as I did this morning) with your eyes glued to the window (not looking at anything at all), telling yourself to get up and move because there are 5,000 things that need to be taken care of....but no matter how many times you tell your body to move, you sit there....paralyzed...in this in-between state of overwhelming reality and mind-numbing blankness (is that a word?)

This is my journal, so if any of you feel the need to tell "poor Candace" that everything is great and that you have been through "tough times" before...........let me stop you and reitterate that this is my journal, my thoughts, my psychotic episodes and randomness....

I am not down, depressed, angry, miserable, need to be checking in with a psychiatrist, etc. I am simply rambling about my brain that sometimes does not like to work and leaves me on this teeter-totter of consciousness (they make pills for this, right??)

Anyway, back to my original thought (see?), I have been perusing various blogs and enjoying reading other posts (love the BLOGFROG- yeah!) and have gotten so caught up in everyone else's lives and blogs that I haven't posted anything! Kinda like planning a party...buying all of the decorations....making all of the food....picking out the best music.... cleaning the house top to bottom......and then realizing you forgot to invite PEOPLE! That's where I am. I have gotten so wrapped up in what I can do with my blog, how to make it look more interesting, what kinds of buttons and widgets and pictures and everything else that has anything to do with making my life look so much more interesting..........that I suddenly remembered that I haven't written anything at all!!

Oh, but it doesn't all come to a great resolution you see, because then I have wandered my way down the path of uncertain topics to write about! And this, as I stated before (window into my brain - scattered), making a decision as to what I am going to write about is a huge task for me. With all due respect to those incredible women that post something each day, sometimes more, I can't do that. It takes me a while to decide (obviously) and then it's like I need my own crazy insane mind to be inspired enough to finally begin typing.

Ironically, I came to the conclusion to write about my inability to write when I made the choice that I am finally going to get organized and put-together and that it would be great to write about - and then because of the enormity of even the possibility of accomplishing this organizational venture - my mind shut down!

So, after 2 days of an unconscious brain, I decided that in order to "wake" my mind up enough to even consider bringing "organize" into my vocabulary again, I needed to just write...even if it is about the fact that I am not writing...so there you go....I wrote - YEAH!!

And applause to you if you read this post and it makes sense, and cheers to you if you have a similar way of psychotic thinking, and (even better) if you are my lost-long twin of mind-numbing consciousness that becomes paralyzed with your own lack of decision-making skills, then let me buy the first round!!

Reality...ugh!

 

I am not lost. I have not fallen off the planet. I did not decide to abandon all aspects of socializing, or in this case, writing.

I simply have paused.....because the reality of my situation is pressing in on me, leaving me in a fog.

The reality is.....an incredibly hard work schedule that I, mom....partner....self, have to deal with! Yes, I'm whining!

I'll explain....for those of you that have already heard my moans and groans, mosey on down the post.
For the rest of you that are sticking around to give your sympathetic ears to my selfish whimpers, here is my case:
Terry, my self-less, big-hearted, incredibly hard-working man, has decided (after persuading me with materialistic evils) that he needs to go back working as a coil-tubing service supervisor....interpretation: making a whole lot of money supervising crews that essentially work on the oil drill pipes, fixing stuff, I guess, not the line of work I understand. WHICH means that he will be on a scheduled rotation on and off the job. 20 days working in Shreveport, Louisiana....4 hours away...and then 10 days off, home.

Now, to some women and their households, this would be an ideal situation! Some women would enjoy not having their man home....one less person to complain and have strong opinions!

I, on the other hand, look at the situation 2 ways:
Positive: I HAVE CONTROL....whether it be the TV remote, what is for dinner-lunch-snacks-grocery shopping in general, saying yes and no to children without another opinion....etc...you get the picture.

Negative: I HAVE CONTROL...control when something breaks, control when I don't know how to do something, control when I forgot something at the store and I'm too lazy to go back out, control when children are complaining and whining and I don't want to use any decision-making skills! Like it or not, 20 days out of 30, I am all-encompassing mom/dad/house-taking-care-of/errand-running/punishment-giving/maid/cook/and-anything-else-that-needs-to-be-done person of 4 children!!!
That's stressful...may not be to those of you that do this on a regular basis...the supermoms out there that I gave up trying to be years ago...but for me, stressful!

I don't pretend to be the mom that cleans exceptionally well with the most environmentally-friendly products (sometimes I buy what's on sale, ok?...not my fault)or the mom that can cook with 3 ingredients and make a delicious meal that the pickiest of picky will delightfully eat. Not me....as I'm staring at the dirty clothes pile beside my bed and the 3 cups on my nightstand that have been in the same place for a week (nothing growing inside, just water).

And it's not just that I rely on my partner to be there, helping me with the things that disgruntle me.....it's also the heavy responsibility of keeping my brood safe...there's a security I feel when I have a strong man that can hold his own against someone trying to harm us. I know, I know.....the feminist attack is coming!
There's a lot of responsibility put on these shoulders when I think that instead of 2 brains and 4 eyes, I'm down to 1 brain and 2 (not-so-good) eyes....67% of the time.

Now, before you roll those eyes of yours and look down your nose at my blubbering, take note that I am not questioning my ability to take this load on or my great organizational and leadership skills required to accomplish this single-parenting time. What I do question is my ability to keep an honest perspective of the situation, reminding myself that Terry is working very hard in order to take care of our crazy crew, it won't be forever, and I need to look at the glass half-full right now.

That is not to say there will not be impatient and psychotic ramblings from this writer in future posts....or that my facebook page and tweets will not be full of pictures and quotes of exotic, faraway places that I'm dreaming of living while 4 opinionated children fight over which seat they get at the dinner table (really? c'mon!)
.........maybe that's why before Terry left, he looked at me, square in the face, and said, "you'll still be here when I get back, right?"
 

Maybe.....stay tuned!!