Reality of Holidays with Kids

Christmas means making memories and continuing traditions and enjoying time together. And I go into my favorite season looking forward to the excitement of it all!

Yet the holiday experience seems to change as kids get older – leaving a different reality than the one I find myself fantasizing.

It seems that the enthusiasm seems to dwindle and the excitement for each Holiday idea gets met with rolling eyes and “do we have to?” comments.

Now I’m not saying that I have tons of Holiday traditions or that I “have” to have certain things done during Christmas, but there are some things that make Christmas “feel” more special.

Like decorating the Christmas tree together, as a family, with each person participating.
My Ideal thoughts play out like this: we all go to pick out the “perfect” tree, not too big, but a good size for the living room....dad brings the tree into the living room setting it in it’s place...we all grab the ornament boxes, turn on the Christmas music, laugh and smile as we put each memorable hand-made ornament on the tree...turn off all of the lights, grab the eggnog and cookies, and sit together as a family admiring the beautiful tree while enjoying the time together!

I know, I’m a little sick in the head to think this way. But somehow, no matter how many years go by, I always catch myself so surprised when the nights’ events turn out WRONG!

Reality: the bickering begins as no one can agree on the right tree...dad brings the tree into the house after fighting to get it straight in the stand for 20 minutes...the Christmas music is put on low so the football game can be watched by dad who is telling everyone where to put the ornaments from the comfort of the couch 6 feet away...the puppy is chewing on the light cord or choking on the pine needles...children are fighting over putting “their” ornaments on the tree, the teenagers are texting and asking when we are going to be done so they can go to their rooms...and by the end of the night, I’m the only one left in the dark room with the half-decorated tree, boxes and paper scattered everywhere, a cookie in one hand and a glass of SPIKED-eggnog in the other – staring at the sleeping man on the couch, wondering where my Christmas tradition went!

I know, I’m complaining – but it won’t last long

So, anyway,

This year, I decided to use the advent calendar shared with us by our foreign exchange student a few years back, and surprise the kids each day with little trinkets and candy as they counted the days till Christmas. Now in my head, I pictured excitement and anticipation as they opened the daily pocket, happy faces and grateful hugs and kisses would be given to me, and they would go enjoy their little gift as they looked forward to the next day.

HAH!

Reality has a way of stomping out such ideal thoughts when it comes to having 2 teenagers and 2 pre-teens! So reality went something like: yelling at each other for picking out the candy before the others were ready, telling me they don’t like that particular candy, the 2 older ones telling the 2 younger ones they could have the toy because it was dumb, and by the end of the 25 day countdown they had to be reminded just to get the stuff out of the pocket!

Now, I know when it comes to having kids, especially teenagers, our “ideal” will never be reached and we should just learn to be content with any happiness or joy we find in life.

But, since I’m not a “should” type of person, I like to think that I can keep my ideals and my Holiday spirit and not lower my expectations simply because I have teens and pre-teens.
I give myself the freedom to get irritated and scream and yell over the most mundane things because that’s me. Because I can also look back and laugh at myself for being neurotic and a bit obsessive.

And I can do this because I know that at the end of the day, my kids – no matter how big they get – still enjoy cuddling up with me, snacking on popcorn, and watching their favorite Christmas movies next to this year's Christmas tree that died 3 days AFTER we bought it! Stupid Tree!!

That Reality will ALWAYS be my Ideal.

It's the Little Things

 

The Guilt-aholic is having a relapse and is in desperate need of a sponsor!! It's as if the takeover of school schedules, events, papers, and whole lot of crap on my desk has essentially pushed me over the edge.

The crabby neurotic has come out ensuring that the faces of my children have taken on that "knowing" look....the look that says "here she goes again, just wait for her to get over the ranting and raving and then try to talk to her"!

I have been doing pretty well holding my own being this single-mom of 4 right now...I've only had 2 blow-ups in the last week and that's good for me....this is the part where I'm trying to build myself up so I'd appreciate the support right now!


But because I'm supposed to be freeing myself of the guilt, eradicating the self-loathing on my abilities as a mom, and consciously making the effort to see the good in how I handle my children (this is the hard part) I needed to once again enter into my rehab and share a few guilt-less mommy moments:

So, here we go:

Hello, My name is Candace and I am a Mommy Guilt-aholic.



As I have progressed in this mommy world, I see many characteristics that have been passed down from my mother (many that could be conceived as thoughtful and sensitive and others that could be seen as a bit on the dramatic side) one, in particular, that I am utterly thankful to my mom for showing how to truly put others before me (in a selfless way, not a martyr-way) which is to pay attention to the details of people you care about. I am definitely delighted when I can surprise people by getting them simple, little gifts that I have noticed they use daily or just enjoy.

It's one of those things that I just keep a list in the back of my mind when I notice they like something or have asked for something in the past (children).

Sam, being the teenager she is, is always conscious of her breath, always asking if her breath is ok or if I have gum/mints in my purse that she can have on her way to school...and she always knows I do, being as this is a major issue for me - hating bad breath!
So going to the store for the 10th time the week before school started, I came home and pulled out a pack of gum and mints for her to take in her backpack for school. When I handed it to her, she turned to me with a surprise grin on her face and said, "mom, how is it you always know exactly what I want?" and of course I said, "Because I'm your mom and that's what we do" (YEAH-ME!)

This was a repeated conversation with Madison, when I brought home more headbands for those extremely long locks....although she asked (for the 100th time) if I happened to have run to the shoe store to get her those ??(don't know what they're called) sandals and I said no...seeing as she has quite the shoe fetish (Lord help me with this "diva" child), she was excited to have the headbands different colors so she could coordinate them with her already-laid-out-wardrobe for the week!

The conversation was not repeated with the boys, mainly due to the fact that we have "food" issues in our house....keep in mind, I have only had the boys for 3 years and before me, they were quite used to having fast food at any given requested moment or a live-in nanny/cook/maid that would serve up anything anytime they chose, regardless of any nutritional value at all....and then came me....not a short-order cook nor a fast-food lover and most definitely a one-cooked-meal-a-day mom (I don't cook breakfast except on weekends and certainly don't feel a need to make a mess in the kitchen in the middle of the day for lunch when I'll be messing it up for dinner) And don't even get me going about the tantrums and whaling done in my house over picky-eating (I will have to do a different post on that huge subject - advice needed), which by the way is probably one very big reason I am so disliked by the "other" family.

I know...the evil step-mom!! Guilt included, thank you!

So with the boys, I have tried to surprise them with the little things they like or enjoy that have nothing to do with food. I had noticed that when we were getting all of the needed supplies for the start of school days, JR had mentioned wanting a new pencil box when he overheard TJ asking for one because "all the other kids in junior high carry one", so when I went for the last trip (still fighting the crowds), I came home and surprised JR with his own pencil box to which he jumped up and said "is that for me?" (being the youngest always puts him in doubt that he actually gets something new!)

TJ (my other shop-aholic...imagine if I let both him and Madison have a day at the mall, I think I would get the mother-of-the-year grand prize) likes his surprises a bit different, see, going on 13 he doesn't like to be given something because he cannot accept anything he didn't have a choice about. Even if it is something he asked for, he will find something wrong with it because he did not do the choosing. So TJ's surprises have to come in the form of "let's go to the store so you can pick out...", which is what I did in letting him choose his new backpack (he had done quite the convincing of why the 5 other backpacks laying around were not good enough now that he was going into junior high).
So surprising TJ with a choice will get the loves, hugs, and kisses - after the choice has been made at the store, an hour later because he can't make up his mind (are we sure he's not my blood??)


So with the little things that I do for my kids, I get to show them that I really do listen to their wants and I really do care about them.
I get to acknowledge their uniqueness and individuality. And I get to show them that despite this neurotic and insane mom, they are the most special things in my life.

And if I'm lucky, I get to see their faces light up (even if it's for a second before they start in on the next thing they have to have) because of something that this mom cared enough to notice.

Going into Rehab

 

Well, it's time......to be honest with myself.....to be honest with those around me......it's been a long time coming, to look inside and truly evaluate what I know of myself.....how I have come to this place in my life..........

We can only keep going on until one day.....we hit bottom! We tell ourselves that we just can't keep pretending anymore!

So, here I go:

Hello, My name is Candace and I am a Mommy Guilt-oholic! There, I said it!!

And you thought the worst, didn't you??

Anyway, it's time for me to take the plunge and rehab myself out of the self-loathing, the self-criticism, the self-pity of seeing everything I do as a mom as terrible, scarring and irreversibly degrading to my children.

So I choose to stand in front of you as a recovering guilt-aholic who is determined to fight against my insanely neurotic self and begin to focus on the every day occurrences where
I AM A GREAT MOM! GO ME!!!

Case in point:
As some of you know, our family life has recently been turned upside down as Terry began working out in Shreveport, Louisiana leaving me with the single parenting job of 4. And as many of you have read from previous posts of this lingering reality, I haven't had the best attitude about the situation.....which in turn, as always does with me, finds itself into my attitude with the kids.
(STEP AWAY FROM THE GUILT!!)....getting there

Anywho.......so in Shreveport, the apartment has a pool, which is great for the kids and me to try and simply relax.

Well the other day, I decided to return to my love of reading Kris Radish's books (absolutely love her writing voice!!) and thought I would enjoy getting some sun and some reading for a bit by the pool. Meanwhile, TJ and JR thought they would break themselves away from the X-Box (amazing concept!) long enough to come out to the pool.
Here I am, enjoying my reading, enjoying the sun, enjoying being the only few people at the pool....and I look over to find the boys playing....

Lo and Behold......a thought comes over me.....which in my usual manner would be dismissed in my selfish need for "me" time.....but nonetheless, I thought: I'll go have some fun with the boys and take advantage of the time when I only have the 2 of them.....

(just letting you know.....i'm having many guilty, mom-bashing thoughts right now, and just thought I would share that since this is my rehab time)

So, I ended up playing water volleyball with them for at least 1/2 hour (It should have been more, right....STOP IT!)
And in the end, we had a great mom/boys' time......and I am very proud of myself!

Yeah, me!!

So, ends today's rehab session......

I would like to thank B in Real Life, for inspiring all of us to enter this rehab process, to free ourselves from the guilt we bear on our mom-shoulders each and every day!
Till next time....

I'm thinking I may need a sponsor to help my recovery!