Reality of Holidays with Kids

Christmas means making memories and continuing traditions and enjoying time together. And I go into my favorite season looking forward to the excitement of it all!

Yet the holiday experience seems to change as kids get older – leaving a different reality than the one I find myself fantasizing.

It seems that the enthusiasm seems to dwindle and the excitement for each Holiday idea gets met with rolling eyes and “do we have to?” comments.

Now I’m not saying that I have tons of Holiday traditions or that I “have” to have certain things done during Christmas, but there are some things that make Christmas “feel” more special.

Like decorating the Christmas tree together, as a family, with each person participating.
My Ideal thoughts play out like this: we all go to pick out the “perfect” tree, not too big, but a good size for the living room....dad brings the tree into the living room setting it in it’s place...we all grab the ornament boxes, turn on the Christmas music, laugh and smile as we put each memorable hand-made ornament on the tree...turn off all of the lights, grab the eggnog and cookies, and sit together as a family admiring the beautiful tree while enjoying the time together!

I know, I’m a little sick in the head to think this way. But somehow, no matter how many years go by, I always catch myself so surprised when the nights’ events turn out WRONG!

Reality: the bickering begins as no one can agree on the right tree...dad brings the tree into the house after fighting to get it straight in the stand for 20 minutes...the Christmas music is put on low so the football game can be watched by dad who is telling everyone where to put the ornaments from the comfort of the couch 6 feet away...the puppy is chewing on the light cord or choking on the pine needles...children are fighting over putting “their” ornaments on the tree, the teenagers are texting and asking when we are going to be done so they can go to their rooms...and by the end of the night, I’m the only one left in the dark room with the half-decorated tree, boxes and paper scattered everywhere, a cookie in one hand and a glass of SPIKED-eggnog in the other – staring at the sleeping man on the couch, wondering where my Christmas tradition went!

I know, I’m complaining – but it won’t last long

So, anyway,

This year, I decided to use the advent calendar shared with us by our foreign exchange student a few years back, and surprise the kids each day with little trinkets and candy as they counted the days till Christmas. Now in my head, I pictured excitement and anticipation as they opened the daily pocket, happy faces and grateful hugs and kisses would be given to me, and they would go enjoy their little gift as they looked forward to the next day.

HAH!

Reality has a way of stomping out such ideal thoughts when it comes to having 2 teenagers and 2 pre-teens! So reality went something like: yelling at each other for picking out the candy before the others were ready, telling me they don’t like that particular candy, the 2 older ones telling the 2 younger ones they could have the toy because it was dumb, and by the end of the 25 day countdown they had to be reminded just to get the stuff out of the pocket!

Now, I know when it comes to having kids, especially teenagers, our “ideal” will never be reached and we should just learn to be content with any happiness or joy we find in life.

But, since I’m not a “should” type of person, I like to think that I can keep my ideals and my Holiday spirit and not lower my expectations simply because I have teens and pre-teens.
I give myself the freedom to get irritated and scream and yell over the most mundane things because that’s me. Because I can also look back and laugh at myself for being neurotic and a bit obsessive.

And I can do this because I know that at the end of the day, my kids – no matter how big they get – still enjoy cuddling up with me, snacking on popcorn, and watching their favorite Christmas movies next to this year's Christmas tree that died 3 days AFTER we bought it! Stupid Tree!!

That Reality will ALWAYS be my Ideal.

Wishing Me Enough

 

On my quest to find contentment (hah!!)...due to the fact that the attitudes and behaviors exhibited by my oh-so-grateful children have left a lot to be desired..I figured I may (or may not) have something (just a little) to do with it. I KNOW! CRAZY HUH??

So trying to get to the bottom of why the young people in my house have had terrible, nasty, rude, obnoxious, and irritating attitudes (just my opinion), I wanted to read up on it and find out if it is only my house that seems to be in a constant state of grumpy!

Now I have to start out by saying that there is 1 family member that is the epitome of optimistic happiness and is forever smiling and laughing and being goofy…..and if it wasn’t for her personality, I think our whole house would collapse in piles of sulking faces!! My Madison has such a great, uplifting attitude in most everything she is a part of and it is quite contagious! She may get on the nerves of her brothers and sister, but it is always with the intention to make them laugh…..and I just LOVE her for that!!

BUT, our household obviously has not caught on to Madison’s ability to see the glass half full, which has led me on this quest for ENOUGH.

As the saying goes, “when you point your finger at someone, there are 4 more fingers pointing back at you”, I knew that before I continue to scold and reprimand the ugly attitudes of my children, I first had to look at how my own attitude needed a bit of tweaking!

So in reading blogs, journal entries, and devotionals, I ran across these thoughts by SeniorLiving Ministries which were passed down from generations of mothers to their daughters and have struck a chord in my heart…..(Read at least twice)

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get through the final goodbye."


My wish, for myself, is that I would find this ENOUGH in order to pass onto my children the wisdom in what it takes to truly know what it means to have ENOUGH.


That for everything going on in my life (our lives):

I must choose to joyfully be present so they can learn the value of a good attitude.

I must choose to appreciate, so they can learn to be content.

I must choose to make memories and laughter so they can learn to simply enjoy.


I love to be inspired to be better, to make choices for change that I know will forever impact my ability to become a better person and in turn a better mother.
And I love that with an inspired attitude, I can take on this chaotic life of mine….and SMILE.

Distinctively Different Genders

 

Differences in boys and girls, to me, is astounding! I am always surprised how the distinction is so obviously played out right in front of me, day in and day out. It’s kind of like having my own experimental box where I can observe the incredible variations between my 2 girls and my 2 boys……..and the fact that they are 9, 10, 12, and 14 just add to the bizarre observations!

Here are a few for your enjoyment:

Boys...

*** Have very little need for communication or expressing thoughts except when either telling their siblings to do something or reenacting a sporting event

*** Tease in ways that reach new heights (or lows) where sarcasm and “below the belt” insults are hurled at each other at any given moment

*** Always seem to have sweat somewhere on their body (somebody please explain this to me!)

*** Always have a runny nose that apparently cannot be blown, it must be sucked up into their sinuses with such force as to make a pig blush

*** Keep their room messy enough to be comfortable, yet clean enough to ensure there won’t be any nagging by mom…..BUT always come out wearing clothes that look like they have been wadded up in a corner for weeks

*** Have a persistent habit of taking socks off anywhere and everywhere, only to be found under sofa cushions, kitchen pantries, and desk drawers

*** Eat as if they have just found out that their food will somehow be snatched away at any given moment…..so it must be shoveled into their mouths as quickly as possible in order to fill the plate again…..before anyone else has time to swallow their first few bites

*** Can toss, throw, and catch a ball between themselves and another person for HOURS! And this simple act is so compelling and exciting??

*** Hold the record for excuses given to “prove” to others that they are NOT wrong, NOT to blame, and certainly did NOT make a mistake


ON THE OTHER HAND,


Girls...

• Express themselves in every possible way, using every emotion, every hand gesture, every voice inflection……for 10 minutes…only to finally get to the point of asking to go to a friend’s house

• Tease, use sarcastic humor, insult with a smile…..and then are completely surprised when someone says something “mean” back to them

• Always ask if they smell, have stinky breath, or look ok……I guess this is to practice a response for when they turn this questioning onto a husband

• Have an uncanny knack for collecting blush, lipstick, nail polish, jewelry, lotion…..and never quite knowing how it came to appear in their bedroom or that it looks exactly like the one missing from mom’s bathroom

• Don’t keep their room……..clean or organized…get nagged at by mom constantly….BUT always manage to come out looking like they had coordinated their outfit weeks ago

• Eat as if their food will be there forever and is not as important as the conversation going on at the table

• Have a persistent habit of walking into the house , taking off shoes……..then scrambling chaotically to find a particular pair among the fourteen shoes stuffed below the couch when it’s time to leave the house

• Stretch, bend, do cartwheels, practice dance steps, record themselves singing…….and get ecstatic when they can show their “performance” to anyone that will watch (except boys, because they will act like it’s stupid, when really the girls know they enjoyed it)

• Hold the record for initiating conversations with the words “are you mad at me?”….again, practicing for the future spouse




There are more differences between boys and girls, especially in my household, but I thought it best to not go into the really embarrassing ones! Even though, you know I was REALLY wanting to!

So, now it's your turn....if you have any gender distinctions among your clan that you would be brave enough to share, I would love to hear some great examples!

It's the Little Things

 

The Guilt-aholic is having a relapse and is in desperate need of a sponsor!! It's as if the takeover of school schedules, events, papers, and whole lot of crap on my desk has essentially pushed me over the edge.

The crabby neurotic has come out ensuring that the faces of my children have taken on that "knowing" look....the look that says "here she goes again, just wait for her to get over the ranting and raving and then try to talk to her"!

I have been doing pretty well holding my own being this single-mom of 4 right now...I've only had 2 blow-ups in the last week and that's good for me....this is the part where I'm trying to build myself up so I'd appreciate the support right now!


But because I'm supposed to be freeing myself of the guilt, eradicating the self-loathing on my abilities as a mom, and consciously making the effort to see the good in how I handle my children (this is the hard part) I needed to once again enter into my rehab and share a few guilt-less mommy moments:

So, here we go:

Hello, My name is Candace and I am a Mommy Guilt-aholic.



As I have progressed in this mommy world, I see many characteristics that have been passed down from my mother (many that could be conceived as thoughtful and sensitive and others that could be seen as a bit on the dramatic side) one, in particular, that I am utterly thankful to my mom for showing how to truly put others before me (in a selfless way, not a martyr-way) which is to pay attention to the details of people you care about. I am definitely delighted when I can surprise people by getting them simple, little gifts that I have noticed they use daily or just enjoy.

It's one of those things that I just keep a list in the back of my mind when I notice they like something or have asked for something in the past (children).

Sam, being the teenager she is, is always conscious of her breath, always asking if her breath is ok or if I have gum/mints in my purse that she can have on her way to school...and she always knows I do, being as this is a major issue for me - hating bad breath!
So going to the store for the 10th time the week before school started, I came home and pulled out a pack of gum and mints for her to take in her backpack for school. When I handed it to her, she turned to me with a surprise grin on her face and said, "mom, how is it you always know exactly what I want?" and of course I said, "Because I'm your mom and that's what we do" (YEAH-ME!)

This was a repeated conversation with Madison, when I brought home more headbands for those extremely long locks....although she asked (for the 100th time) if I happened to have run to the shoe store to get her those ??(don't know what they're called) sandals and I said no...seeing as she has quite the shoe fetish (Lord help me with this "diva" child), she was excited to have the headbands different colors so she could coordinate them with her already-laid-out-wardrobe for the week!

The conversation was not repeated with the boys, mainly due to the fact that we have "food" issues in our house....keep in mind, I have only had the boys for 3 years and before me, they were quite used to having fast food at any given requested moment or a live-in nanny/cook/maid that would serve up anything anytime they chose, regardless of any nutritional value at all....and then came me....not a short-order cook nor a fast-food lover and most definitely a one-cooked-meal-a-day mom (I don't cook breakfast except on weekends and certainly don't feel a need to make a mess in the kitchen in the middle of the day for lunch when I'll be messing it up for dinner) And don't even get me going about the tantrums and whaling done in my house over picky-eating (I will have to do a different post on that huge subject - advice needed), which by the way is probably one very big reason I am so disliked by the "other" family.

I know...the evil step-mom!! Guilt included, thank you!

So with the boys, I have tried to surprise them with the little things they like or enjoy that have nothing to do with food. I had noticed that when we were getting all of the needed supplies for the start of school days, JR had mentioned wanting a new pencil box when he overheard TJ asking for one because "all the other kids in junior high carry one", so when I went for the last trip (still fighting the crowds), I came home and surprised JR with his own pencil box to which he jumped up and said "is that for me?" (being the youngest always puts him in doubt that he actually gets something new!)

TJ (my other shop-aholic...imagine if I let both him and Madison have a day at the mall, I think I would get the mother-of-the-year grand prize) likes his surprises a bit different, see, going on 13 he doesn't like to be given something because he cannot accept anything he didn't have a choice about. Even if it is something he asked for, he will find something wrong with it because he did not do the choosing. So TJ's surprises have to come in the form of "let's go to the store so you can pick out...", which is what I did in letting him choose his new backpack (he had done quite the convincing of why the 5 other backpacks laying around were not good enough now that he was going into junior high).
So surprising TJ with a choice will get the loves, hugs, and kisses - after the choice has been made at the store, an hour later because he can't make up his mind (are we sure he's not my blood??)


So with the little things that I do for my kids, I get to show them that I really do listen to their wants and I really do care about them.
I get to acknowledge their uniqueness and individuality. And I get to show them that despite this neurotic and insane mom, they are the most special things in my life.

And if I'm lucky, I get to see their faces light up (even if it's for a second before they start in on the next thing they have to have) because of something that this mom cared enough to notice.

Shopping....the Sport

 

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
-- Erma Bombeck

This quote came to mind this past weekend as I took my Samantha and Madison on a mommy-time outing while the boys were at the golf course for the day. I had a picture in my mind of how this day was going to play out…….and I, once again, was surprised at the fact that nothing EVER goes how it is planned, especially with me, especially with children!

The girls and I ate breakfast at I-HOP (thinking at least Madison would eat free, but nooooo, they eat free starting at 4pm! Oh well), chatted with them about school year starting, trying really hard to just enjoy the time with them………

BTW, why is it (at least for me) that being “in the moment” is so incredibly hard… it’s like my mind instantly goes to all of the things I need to get done or how much money is this going to cost me or any of the crazy thoughts that are blasting through my head at the time when I should (HATE THAT WORD) be sitting and listening and enjoying a moment with my two incredible daughters……

And then…..we went shopping……..ugh!......for a teenager – UGH!.....who has the decision making ability that has been passed down through generations of women in my family, which if you’ve ever been through a shopping experience with us, I promise you will end the time pulling your hair out, stomping your feet, and shouting at the top of your lungs in the middle of a crowded store: “JUST MAKE A F**** DECISION ALREADY!!”……..so after 5 stores with nothing in our hands, we decide to brave the Tax-Free Weekend crowds (thank you Texas Legislature) and head to the mall (I know what you’re thinking, but having no “give-me-the-patience-of-God” pills, I could not face the trauma of taking this teenager home without a single item of clothing!).

We head in………start fighting for breathing space among the numerous women and children (very few dads were seen at this adventurous outing….wonder why????)

Little side note: To all of the dads/brothers/uncles/selfish household members sitting at home in front of the TV on Saturday mornings or out playing with your “buddies”, I would like to give you a few hurtful reminders to be more helpful with the women of your children as they tolerate shopping with toddlers!!, so here are your due pains:

.....a bleeding eardrum from the many screams and wails of a child that has to carried because they don’t want to stay in their stroller and they most definitely DO NOT want to be held,

.....a vice on your head that somehow continues to tighten throughout the day leaving you with such a pain in your head that you can no longer organize a simple thought,

.....shoes that have begun to grow thorns because of the pain endured from walking and standing and chasing a bawling 2-year old,

.....and finally, a horrendous stomach-ache caused by a growing ulcer due to the continual stress of taking too many children shopping for hours on end because there is no one at home who will volunteer to watch these children!!

Ok...I’m done with that...

On to my point...I was getting there...during this escapade, we happened to find a few jeans, capris and shirts for Sam to try on...after rummaging through pile of clothes that had been tossed in various piles around the store...which happens when you’re shopping on Tax-Free Weekend when people seem to lose the capacity of putting items back onto hangers or actually folded on a shelf, and forget seeing anyone with a smile or any semblance of friendliness....

DO NOT expect ANY gracious attitudes! They are there to SHOP and SHOP and SHOP! And they will have no problem ripping that shirt out of your hands, hurling it at their child to go try it on, and pushing you out of the way with their over-stocked stroller…all before you even had a chance to check the size!!

So after the 45 minutes of assessing the clothing inventory (I think we were the slowest moving bunch……probably because I was scared one of my children was going to get run over and left for dead!) I had Sam go try on the clothes...simple, right?......well not today! We get to the fitting rooms and find that not only is there a line to get in, but the line contains about 15 other women/girls/teenagers/crying toddlers!

Not to be deterred, I tell Sam to get in line while I go look for some more for her to try on so we don’t have to negotiate a place in the line again. So Madison and I set off to hunt for more clothes.

This is when my Madison takes this opportunity into her own hands and begins to make her “case” for the “need” of additional clothes. I can tell that throughout this shopping experience, she has been contemplating this conversation for just this opportunity when older sister is not around to dissuade me from using her cash cow (me).

I take a deep breath, listen to her pleading and reasoning, take another deep breath, look her straight in the eyes and say “no”. No explanation (having given 100 already), no soft, warm, comforting words to let her down (again) nicely, just a “no”. Because I knew that if I kept to the one word, I would allow myself to stay in that peaceful, patient place where I wouldn’t lose control, scream at my innocent child, be rude and insulting to the people around me for staring at this psychotic woman that is having a major breakdown in the middle of the store. (Yeah me!!)

And you know what she did? Simply turned around, proceeded to pick up 2 shirts she thought Sam would like, and continued to walk to the fitting room with me. Can you believe it?? No groans, moans, roll-of-the-eyes, or terrible attitude! So after 5 minutes…..I thanked her for having such a great attitude when she didn’t get her way and then…….I told her she could pick out any new backpack that she wanted! (Yeah me!!) I LOVE the face on my children when they get a surprise that they had wanted!

So………heading back to the fitting rooms, I pass the people standing in line, go inside and around the corner, and find Samantha STILL in line because the line extends INSIDE the rooms!!!! Thankfully she was the next one to go in!

After leaning on a clothing rack, lifting a foot every now and then to help my aching feet get some circulation flowing, being stared at by various people (probably wondering why my child is sitting on the floor - out of the way of people because of her complaining feet), 15 minutes pass by and Samantha exits the rooms with a pair of jeans, shorts and a shirt…..DONE!!!

I won’t bother with the details of the check-out line, except to say that I think we had the most wonderful, happy, energetic cashier ring us up which was such an unexpected surprise given that she had been standing there listening to whines, screams and complains all day! And that’s just the children, I can’t imagine what she had to endure from the adults!! I was very grateful for her demeanor and should probably go back and give her some chocolate!!

And so ends my day out with my incredible and amazing girls who are truly a blessing to me each and every day. I am extremely thankful that I have these moments to share with them, even though they may remember the psychotic and embarrassing side, at least they’re shared memories.

May I never take any of it for granted!

My Sky is Falling!!

You ever have times in your life when you feel you're watching a movie about your life and your body is somehow part of the movie but your brain is sitting back thinking, "there's no way this is real"??

Ever have one of those?

Well, it seems to be happening quite a bit lately and I'm getting a bit freaked out! To the point that now, each time I'm walking outside, I actually look up to see if the sky is indeed falling!

Given that Terry has been gone for about a month and a half, and given the fact that there have been TWO (count, 2) pretty major things go on in our house in that time, and given the fact that my words (or posts, in this case) keep coming back to haunt me (or essentially bite me in the ass!)....I may seriously be looking into a career in fortune-telling!

I'm serious....if you happen to be a reader, follower, lover of all things Candace (aaawwww!), you remember my "reality" post about my issue with things being out of my control while Terry is gone! Well I must be completely INSANE to have uttered these words aloud because that is exactly what has happened.

FIRST, the week Terry left we (being humidity-loving, can't-get-enough-moisture-Houstonians) had torrential rain for 7 straight days. Well, since our humble abode was built when they obviously didn't know rain seeps in through brick, both our kitchen and den flooded (like flooded, as in, 2 inches of water on my floor!).
And who is left here to "save the day"???

ME!
along with every towel, blanket, pillow case, and old clothes that I could find.

Me, all alone to combat the incoming flood waters. (And mom on the phone, who graciously talked me through the crisis of running out of things to soak up the water).

But, alas, I made it through, feeling like quite the conqueror as I mopped, bleached, deodorized my way through the next day.

And THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN!!
Not the flood, not a storm, not some act of God that I would have to endure, hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel....no....this time when my man is not here and I have no "real" control over this household....

THIS HAPPENS:

 

 

 

This was a hole in the side of my house caused by a teenage driver that had thought when she pressed on the gas, she would be moving forward.....but no, I'm afraid, dear, that your car was in REVERSE!!!!!!!

So what does this inexperienced, just-got-my-license-today, teenage driver do?? She turns the wheel, goes across my grass, and SLAMS into the wall of my HOUSE with the back of her CAR!!!!

I receive a call from the shaky voice of JR, my 9-year old, telling me that someone has just crashed into our house. I fly home (2 min down the road) and am met by a wide-eyed-can't-talk- can't-breathe-because-I-just-wet-my-pants-teenager who's mother is standing there telling me that her daughter just learned to drive.

And all I really want to say is "where the f*** did you get her driving lessons so I can go show them the difference between the f*** gear called DRIVE and the f*** gear called REVERSE????!!!!

But being the polite, gracious woman that I am (and the fact that I can't think straight because my mind is racing between thanking GOD that my children didn't get hurt and not knowing what the hell to do next because I'm not so good in emergency situations), I asked the girl if she was ok or if she was hurt....she was still in shock so she just shook her head to say she was ok.....and then I asked the critical and utmost important of questions: did they have insurance?!
Cuz if she's not hurt, then I'm gonna get straight to the POINT!

And thank GOD she had insurance because the damage outside did not prepare me for the inside:

 

This is the wall behind my cabinets....which has been completely broken!

 

If I broke open the wood piece, I could actually see OUTSIDE!

 

My oven was pushed out of the wall!

 

And lifted off of the floor....there is actually a couple of inches now between the bottom of the unit and the floor that it used to be flushed against!

After the police were called and a report was being processed, the fire dept came (oh yeah, the kids LOVED this!!) to turn off the power to my ovens (looks like pizza again) and make sure there was no possibility of a fire occurring.

So.....to bring this up to date...less than a week later, a contractor has come out, told me that the repairs will be extensive and that I will be without half a kitchen for at least 1-3 weeks depending on material matching....and as it so happens, the insurance company has actually been helpful, courteous, and responsive (imagine that!)

and I have gone from anxiety-ridden emotions to laughing hysterically that of all things to happen...it had to have happened when Terry was gone!

He thinks it's humorous and has stated that these things must be happening because it's a "test" to see how well I can handle this living situation/responsibility/rely on myself thing!

I told him I don't want anymore damn tests!

I'm done!

I don't want to play out this movie and find out what the next "test" will be.

No more falling skies!

Going into Rehab

 

Well, it's time......to be honest with myself.....to be honest with those around me......it's been a long time coming, to look inside and truly evaluate what I know of myself.....how I have come to this place in my life..........

We can only keep going on until one day.....we hit bottom! We tell ourselves that we just can't keep pretending anymore!

So, here I go:

Hello, My name is Candace and I am a Mommy Guilt-oholic! There, I said it!!

And you thought the worst, didn't you??

Anyway, it's time for me to take the plunge and rehab myself out of the self-loathing, the self-criticism, the self-pity of seeing everything I do as a mom as terrible, scarring and irreversibly degrading to my children.

So I choose to stand in front of you as a recovering guilt-aholic who is determined to fight against my insanely neurotic self and begin to focus on the every day occurrences where
I AM A GREAT MOM! GO ME!!!

Case in point:
As some of you know, our family life has recently been turned upside down as Terry began working out in Shreveport, Louisiana leaving me with the single parenting job of 4. And as many of you have read from previous posts of this lingering reality, I haven't had the best attitude about the situation.....which in turn, as always does with me, finds itself into my attitude with the kids.
(STEP AWAY FROM THE GUILT!!)....getting there

Anywho.......so in Shreveport, the apartment has a pool, which is great for the kids and me to try and simply relax.

Well the other day, I decided to return to my love of reading Kris Radish's books (absolutely love her writing voice!!) and thought I would enjoy getting some sun and some reading for a bit by the pool. Meanwhile, TJ and JR thought they would break themselves away from the X-Box (amazing concept!) long enough to come out to the pool.
Here I am, enjoying my reading, enjoying the sun, enjoying being the only few people at the pool....and I look over to find the boys playing....

Lo and Behold......a thought comes over me.....which in my usual manner would be dismissed in my selfish need for "me" time.....but nonetheless, I thought: I'll go have some fun with the boys and take advantage of the time when I only have the 2 of them.....

(just letting you know.....i'm having many guilty, mom-bashing thoughts right now, and just thought I would share that since this is my rehab time)

So, I ended up playing water volleyball with them for at least 1/2 hour (It should have been more, right....STOP IT!)
And in the end, we had a great mom/boys' time......and I am very proud of myself!

Yeah, me!!

So, ends today's rehab session......

I would like to thank B in Real Life, for inspiring all of us to enter this rehab process, to free ourselves from the guilt we bear on our mom-shoulders each and every day!
Till next time....

I'm thinking I may need a sponsor to help my recovery!

Reality...ugh!

 

I am not lost. I have not fallen off the planet. I did not decide to abandon all aspects of socializing, or in this case, writing.

I simply have paused.....because the reality of my situation is pressing in on me, leaving me in a fog.

The reality is.....an incredibly hard work schedule that I, mom....partner....self, have to deal with! Yes, I'm whining!

I'll explain....for those of you that have already heard my moans and groans, mosey on down the post.
For the rest of you that are sticking around to give your sympathetic ears to my selfish whimpers, here is my case:
Terry, my self-less, big-hearted, incredibly hard-working man, has decided (after persuading me with materialistic evils) that he needs to go back working as a coil-tubing service supervisor....interpretation: making a whole lot of money supervising crews that essentially work on the oil drill pipes, fixing stuff, I guess, not the line of work I understand. WHICH means that he will be on a scheduled rotation on and off the job. 20 days working in Shreveport, Louisiana....4 hours away...and then 10 days off, home.

Now, to some women and their households, this would be an ideal situation! Some women would enjoy not having their man home....one less person to complain and have strong opinions!

I, on the other hand, look at the situation 2 ways:
Positive: I HAVE CONTROL....whether it be the TV remote, what is for dinner-lunch-snacks-grocery shopping in general, saying yes and no to children without another opinion....etc...you get the picture.

Negative: I HAVE CONTROL...control when something breaks, control when I don't know how to do something, control when I forgot something at the store and I'm too lazy to go back out, control when children are complaining and whining and I don't want to use any decision-making skills! Like it or not, 20 days out of 30, I am all-encompassing mom/dad/house-taking-care-of/errand-running/punishment-giving/maid/cook/and-anything-else-that-needs-to-be-done person of 4 children!!!
That's stressful...may not be to those of you that do this on a regular basis...the supermoms out there that I gave up trying to be years ago...but for me, stressful!

I don't pretend to be the mom that cleans exceptionally well with the most environmentally-friendly products (sometimes I buy what's on sale, ok?...not my fault)or the mom that can cook with 3 ingredients and make a delicious meal that the pickiest of picky will delightfully eat. Not me....as I'm staring at the dirty clothes pile beside my bed and the 3 cups on my nightstand that have been in the same place for a week (nothing growing inside, just water).

And it's not just that I rely on my partner to be there, helping me with the things that disgruntle me.....it's also the heavy responsibility of keeping my brood safe...there's a security I feel when I have a strong man that can hold his own against someone trying to harm us. I know, I know.....the feminist attack is coming!
There's a lot of responsibility put on these shoulders when I think that instead of 2 brains and 4 eyes, I'm down to 1 brain and 2 (not-so-good) eyes....67% of the time.

Now, before you roll those eyes of yours and look down your nose at my blubbering, take note that I am not questioning my ability to take this load on or my great organizational and leadership skills required to accomplish this single-parenting time. What I do question is my ability to keep an honest perspective of the situation, reminding myself that Terry is working very hard in order to take care of our crazy crew, it won't be forever, and I need to look at the glass half-full right now.

That is not to say there will not be impatient and psychotic ramblings from this writer in future posts....or that my facebook page and tweets will not be full of pictures and quotes of exotic, faraway places that I'm dreaming of living while 4 opinionated children fight over which seat they get at the dinner table (really? c'mon!)
.........maybe that's why before Terry left, he looked at me, square in the face, and said, "you'll still be here when I get back, right?"
 

Maybe.....stay tuned!!

Daddy's Little Girl

I can get completely lost in my own thoughts when it comes to my dad. My mind jumps from memory to memory and I find myself flooded with a wide range of emotions. To say that my dad made an impact on my life and that I am the person I am today because of the influence he had on me, is to say the least.

I am what you would call.........daddy's little girl......or at least was, in various stages of my life, depending on how "grown up" I feel at the time!

No matter what was going on in our lives, my dad always made it a point to talk to me....explain things to me.....enable me to see life through open eyes......show me that through crisis and pain, the best lessons are learned and the more people can grow to become better human beings.

I remember the thousand times that my sister and I would sit waiting in the car right outside the church doors until my dad had talked with each and every person there....until he was done helping anyone there that had an immediate crisis and needed his counsel....until he would jump into the car and take us to the restaurant where twenty people would be waiting to have lunch with my dad just to spend more time discussing, laughing, enjoying.

I remember always having people in our house, sharing a meal, and listening to the intense and enlightening conversations they would have with my dad, talking about everything from theology to relationships to finances.....yet, he never made me leave the room or dismissed me because it was "grown-up talk".....he always answered any questions I would have, no matter what.....and at times, he even asked me what I thought!

I also remember his quiet times......finding him laying on the couch listening to music and as I entered the room, he would tell me to sit and listen to the words, explaining to me the idea behind the lyrics.......finding him sitting in his office, preparing his sermon, with stacks and stacks of books around him, each one with his highlighting and note taking inside, and as I entered the room asking him what he was going to talk about on Sunday, he would look up, and without skipping a beat, go through his notes, telling me every word with such passion and emotions, as if to say, "you're as important to me and my purpose right now, as 1,000 people are, sitting in the congregation on Sunday"!!

And then

I remember getting the phone call.....that my big, strong daddy had collapsed.....running into the emergency room and being told that he may not live....hearing that his brain was filled with blood and they were going to have to operate......sitting in rooms filled with people praying, hugging me, bringing me tissues and food....learning that he had had a stroke and doctors had miraculously removed the cause.......taking a semester off of school so I could sit in his room and wait, not wanting to miss any of his recovery.....watching him slowly recover and slowly making progress

.....and finally.....

adjusting to a new daddy....one that may need more time moving from one place to the next and can't have the fast-paced life he used to......BUT......still loves to sit and talk with me....still asks me about my thoughts and my feelings....still makes me feel as important and special as I did when I was little.....still teaches me through his own observations of the world.

I am incredibly proud to have a dad that has shown me what it means to truly care for others....to be open to other people and their ideas.....to be an influence to those around me....to think of the impact I have on the world around me.....and especially to take the time to be thankful each and every day for the miracle of life I am given.

No matter what happens in my life or my situation....I know that my heart will always belong to my dad.......and I will forever be....Daddy's Little Girl!

Balance

 

I love reading other mom's blogs to hear what other moms think and their creative thoughts surrounding their families, kids, problems, etc. But through the string of blogs that I subscribe to, there has been (or probably has been, I'm just late showing up to the conversation...no surprise) a discussion on "free-range" kids.
The idea that as moms, we need to learn to cut the cord and be able to teach our children how to be independent....safely.
Now, just saying those words, brings up a whole basket full of ideas and emotions coming from moms, ranging in attitude from the extremely protective to the extremely aloof. Moms have been writing their comments, posting their blogs, all defending their opinion with the facts that help their case.
Because the issue is with our children, we, as mothers, become quite passionate when it comes to child-rearing and especially when we disagree with another woman's opinion and decision making skills regarding her children.
But.....I have a hard time when it comes to stating an opinion about someone's parenting skills......who made me the judge of her??? or him???
According to the blog of Lenore, FreeRangeKids, she believes that parents should use safety in regards to their kids but still enable independence without being overbearing or overprotective.

I agree with this outlook on parenting because I feel there has to be a balance with our kids. Letting them go outside and play at 10 and 11 is a part of childhood, just like riding a bike, or having sleepovers. As a parent, I believe it's my job to equip them by talking to them about dangers and dangerous situations so they will be aware. I also believe that they need to learn basic safety awareness and what to do in emergency situations. I talk to my kids a lot about "what-if" situations that involve other kids and other adults.

Samantha, being the oldest at 14, has had her share of safe talks and being aware of her surroundings......and these are the talks and lectures she hears EVERY time she goes to the mall with her friends (YES, I allow that! Imagine!). But she also has her cell phone, with a tracker so I know where she's at, and she's reminded to check in with me every 1/2 hour.
But the buck stops there.....at some point she has to take all of those talks and lectures and reminders and make them her own. I CAN'T DO THAT FOR HER! There's a point in which I have to let her go little by little and understand that we live in a world that I cannot control. I can only pass on knowledge and skills that she must choose to utilize.

Now, would I let my 10 year old have that freedom?....I think NOT! She's not old enough, mature enough, or aware enough to have that responsibility. I don't feel 10 is an age that justifies that kind of freedom. Madison is more aware of her surroundings than I have seen from other kids. She knows her limits and has a sense of fear that I feel is healthy and helps to keep her safe. She wants me standing outside the door if it's getting dark outside so I can watch her go to her friend's house, 2 townhouse doors from me. But does she need that during the day, every time? No. Is she able to go to the park, 20 ft. from our door, with her friends, not by herself? yes. And do I go out and check on them periodically? Of course!
But balancing for me, is the key. I don't think kids learn by having constant conversation without the ability to practice. They have to learn by doing, safely.

On the other extreme, I don't want them living in a bubble. Being so overprotective that they grow up without maturing and experiencing. Being able to make mistakes or not doing things right, is the way humans learn. Looking back at the situation and evaluating whether or not those choices were valuable or not. This is always a risk when it comes to children, I know. Risk is reality, though. Not stupidity or ignorance, just reality. I have to come to the conclusion that I have very few things in my life that I can control, and the hard fact is that I cannot control other people's lives when they come into contact with my children. I cannot control the weirdos out there or the emergency situations that might come up. And although I can control what situations I choose to put my children in, I know that dangerous things can happen despite my best efforts. It's more important to me to prepare, teach, and facilitate knowledge with my kids and then pray that I have done everything I can to bring them up as responsible individuals who can make mature decisions.

Yet, this is my opinion......I don't have a need to convince anyone else of this same mentality. I don't fault someone else for having a different opinion.
Am I going to tell another mom that I think she is crazy because she lets her child do something that I wouldn't? NO...she's an adult, and like it or not, she has to come to her own conclusion about what is best for her child. Now if that same mother was my friend and she asked for my opinion on the matter, then I would be more than willing to offer it. But only in that case.
Just as we are teaching our children how to grow up in this world, we are also teaching (like it or not) how to interact with other people that have different opinions than ours. We are showing them how to live and find peace and happiness.....how to smile when we want to cry and laugh when we want to scream....we want our kids to look back at their childhood, despite all of our mistakes as parents, and remember the joys of being free...WE make that happen for our kids....WE direct that path.
And in my humble opinion, this happens when we find BALANCE in our lives as parents.

Now, it's your turn, please share your thoughts......I would love to hear more on this topic.

A Recipe for Blending the Step-Parenting Way

 

Have you ever offered to help cook when you go over to a friend's house? Or when you were younger and your mother asked you to help after she already had started dinner?

That's what I liken to blending a family......starting in the middle when no one has let you know what the dinner is supposed to be.

It's left up to you to continue where someone else has left off.....it has already begun....the decision has been made......out of your control.....but you have been left with figuring the product out. The goal of the end result has been set by someone else that came up with all of the necessary ingredients, all of the measuring, all of the mixing and stirring.....but you have to finish.

That's me.....the cook in someone else's kitchen.
Don't get me wrong....I am extremely willing, honored and open to the challenge of blending a family and being a mother for 2 precious boys that sadly no longer have their mom. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

But there are times where I find myself standing alone in the kitchen amongst all of these "started ingredients", wondering what the intended product (their lives) is that I am supposed to be making.
Step-parenting is hard!! Starting in the middle is hard!!

Parenting, in and of itself, is a huge undertaking and causes (at least for me) extreme stress at times....mostly due to the "shoulds and should-nots" that I continue to hear in my head. We, as parents, have such high expectations for our children to grow and succeed that, at times, we have a difficult time looking past those expectations and simply enjoying the interactions we get with our children. As with most things that bring frustration and anger, the source is usually fear. Fear of failing as a parent, fear of our children growing up and not being prepared for the outside world, fear of them making mistakes that we feel helpless in stopping - and the ever-present.....GUILT, that seems to be a constant companion in choices and decisions that try to make in the parenting role.

Take all of those feelings, emotions, and attitudes......multiply them by 10 and you are left with the daunting task of step-parenting. To describe step-parenting and blending a family is like having the highest expectation put on you, with a magnifying glass to your every move and word, with less foundation to fall back on, all the while being constantly compared to a future there will no longer be.

But I guess my thoughts through this process of figuring out the recipe, have left me with some insights and questions:
*********WARNING...I am realistic and sometimes it comes across as harsh...so for the following, I apologize if I'm too straightforward for some people***********

No one can prepare you for the step-parent role....no one tells you that you will feel guilty because at times, you don't particularly "like" this child standing in front of you trying your patience to the edge and being as irritating to you as a rug burn is to your skin!
I find myself thinking first before I react (positive or negative) in order to evaluate this child and the situation, rather than (as with my natural children) simply reacting with ease.
I find myself overcome with love and true affection for the boys at times, and other times I view them with a wall - looking in from afar, feelings cut-off.
The ingredients to this recipe are sometimes hard to work with.
So....
If you come into the recipe mid-way, what happens if you don't like what you're making?
What if you want to change the ingredients? Is that allowed? And is it fair to want to change them or is it taboo?
Where's my recipe book????

The option of changing may imply that I think I can do it better.....not true....just different. And if I'm the one in the role of mom and see something that needs to be changed for the better (according to my self-described parenting strategies), shouldn't that be taken into account??

Ok......for all of you not following my thinking.....Is it bad to want to bring my boys up differently than they have been raised thus far? Different....not saying better. Is it wrong to take an alternate path of parenting with them then what they are used to because they lost their mother? Does that matter in the decisions I am faced to make with them?
The reason for the questioning is because of self-doubt. Those of you who know me and in my past posts, I have issues when it comes with self-doubting my own parenting skills, as do most moms - as I've been told. But step-parenting, especially with children who have lost a mom and you are stepping in, the self-doubt is tremendous!
Fear takes over when I have to draw the line with them or give them boundaries....my mind plays all kinds of scenarios....will they come out wrong? will they hate me? what if I'm doing this wrong?
My second-guessing is immense.....needing to feel loved, knowing (after reading my stack of books) that their love will not be for some time and they won't put me in that role for at least 3-4 more years.
I have to continue with the knowledge of not receiving anything in return except cordial acknowledgments and formalities (usually only coming after their dad has said something to them).....true unconditional love! The epitome of parenting - step or not!

So.......whether or not I have been in this kitchen from the beginning and whether or not the ingredients have already been mixed and stirred......I'm in for the long haul......and looking forward to seeing how this recipe turns out.

Mixed Up and Inspired by Motherhood!

There are no better words that go hand in hand than mother and inspiration.

Inspiration conjures up a blend of provoking thoughts, ground-breaking ideas, and super-human abilities. Being inspired requires a heads up motion and a look to the sky mentality. We can be inspired by so many new and exciting things or by the most simplistic of notions. We can find inspiration through another person's story, a picture or work of art, or the unique innocence of a child.



Mothering also conjures up a blend of uncharacteristic thoughts, idealistic ideas, and insurmountable super-human abilities! Being a mother requires a constant heads up motion (to look over that crowd of people to make sure your child is safe, but also the hands-flying up, heaven-help-me-with-this-child look....). Being a mother requires a look to the sky mentality in which falling to our knees with considerable determination is needed almost every night in order to keep sanity among the tantrums or bear what our teenagers have just told us!

As mothers, we can be inspired by looking down at the sleeping face of the newborn child we have carried inside of us for nine months and have finally gotten to meet. As mothers, we can be inspired by the exciting reaction of our child when we get them an ice cream cone (and then the devastating sadness that comes over their face when that same ice cream cone drops onto the ground!).

Mothers can instantly find an inspiring bond with another mother by simply listening to her staggering accomplishment of getting herself ready in the morning, 4 children up and ready for school, breakfast made, coffee made, dog walked, school papers signed, and out the door with no crying children or disgruntled teenagers WITH 5 minutes to spare!! (Ok, inside we're secretly wondering if this mom has some stash we don't know about and how hard would it be to get her to share??)

Mothers can draw on the legacy of motherhood passed onto her through her own mother or the loving advice given by mother-like figures as her daily inspiration. We, as mothers, can choose to see inspiration instead of competition among the women we meet and stand supportive when another mother's burden is too much for her to bear. We, as mothers, can choose to be humbly inspirational and come to the defense of another mom because we know those shoes are an incredibly hard-fit sometimes. And we can be the first non-judgemental woman to hold a distraught teenager as she feels the overwhelming responsibility of being a mom.

No matter our childhood or background, there is always that moment in life as a mother when we look into our child's eyes and vow to be better and more conscious for them and their future.

As with all inspirational processes, mothering requires a direct and explicit action - to be in the moment. To breathe. To be still. To simply enjoy.
To remember that through this season in our life, we have been chosen, (sometimes indirectly) to be a mom and to use these moments we have been given as incredible gifts.

Mothering is inspiration personified!

Mom of a Teenager

I would like to think that as women we are all bonded by a substantial amount of commonalities. Although we may have different experiences and backgrounds, we each can connect with one another on a variety of issues. Which brings me to the topic of motherhood. But specifically, the topic of being a mother of a teenager, which seems to be a topic that resurrects a great deal of opinions and ideas from every person - parent or not :)
Anytime you would like to start a debate or encourage very interesting conversation, you simply need to announce that you are the mother of a 14-year old girl. And watch the sparks fly across each person's face as the unimaginable memories are born again or the astonishing reality of a chaotic future lays before them!
I once told God that He needed to come back and take me home before my daughters became teenagers because there was no way I was going to survive. Maybe that was my ability to see the future with a teenage girl or maybe that was the fear I was feeling from all of the "hopeful" stories that I was bombarded with. Ever wonder why people automatically say "Oh yeah, I remember those days with a teenager in the house, but I survived!" Survived??? That's what I was left to figure out. That somehow this time in my life is going to need to be survived??
Now I can not say that I have had major issues with my Sam. She has always been the one that I can count on to be emotionally sensitive to others around her, which I incredibly adore. Even at age 5, I remember an airplane ride where I took out one of her many favorite books and began reading it to her. In this particular story, the little bunny kept doing things wrong and messing things up and all of his brothers and sisters were getting very upset with him. When finally his mom comes into the room, points his finger at him, and says he is a very bad bunny! Well that was it, Sam lost it! Tears started running down her cheeks and I asked her why she was crying. She looked up at me and said "He's not a bad bunny! He just didn't know how to do those things!" My heart stopped! I felt so intrigued that she would take that story to heart so deeply and become so enthralled with it even when she had heard that story hundreds of times and knew the happy ending to come. I felt so connected to my little girl knowing that she was incredibly empathetic to others, even if if was just a story.
And to this day, Sam is uncharacteristically empathetic, and I LOVE THAT!
Back to the point, though, Sam has not (thankfully) made any life-threatening "teenage" decisions as of yet. But there has been many a time where I literally have to get up and excuse myself to the bathroom, simply to sit quietly and re-center before I feel myself going insane.
I feel as though the teenage years are so closely related to the two-year old stage. When you see glazed over faces of mothers being dragged around by a screaming 2-year old in a different direction every 5 minutes and all you can simply do is smile, nod, turn around and thank God you are no longer at that stage with your kids! Teenage time is not much different. I find myself bombarded by this girl/young woman screaming one second, crying the next and finally giving me some sarcastic remark that comes out of her mouth before she has realized who she just said that to!
Is this for real? What planet am I on? How is it possible to see your little girl that you just adore turn into a person that you doubt you have any ability to guide into adulthood?
Now I've worked myself up! Time to be done for the day, but believe me, there will be more on this topic........after all, I'm a mom of a teenager!!