Friday, January 21, 2011
lighten up”, “you’re so serious”, “are you mad?”, “what’s wrong?”
Comments, statements, so-called advice that I have heard all of my life.
Passionate, intense, introspective, analytical…words that I would use to describe myself.
2 completely different ways of looking at me – others vs. myself.
I have always been told by my parents that since I was a little girl, I have been a “watcher” a “thinker”, and I would have to agree. I’m the quiet one when it comes to a group of people or if the conversation is surface-level. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy meeting new peopIe or can’t be part of getting-to-know-you chats – I actually enjoy going out and being social.
Yet, I understand myself enough to feel that I have come to terms with my natural instinct to need and crave a sizeable amount of time alone. This is my personality and I accept that this is who I am.
But in serious relationships, this has always been a problem, and something that I seem to have a hard time balancing. Let me explain.
- Sidenote – for anyone just joining my crazy and mixed-up life, you might want to check out a few earlier posts to help understand the current situation I’m in and it may make more sense as to why I’m a bit psychotic! Ha!: Reality, Ugh!, or My Sky is Falling.....
Now, on to the point:
To know me, it takes time. I will not let you close until I have built enough trust in you to know that I will not be judged or misunderstood – which usually takes a while.
To know me, it takes understanding. I am not the busy-body, chatterbox that will talk about anything and everything, just so there is not silence. I am a friend to silence! Quietness! (nothing wrong with a chatterbox though, no offense) But unless there is understanding, my quietness is mistaken for a snobbish attitude. Which is why people always tell me how surprised they are once they get to know me because I’m completely different than how I came across. “You’re not conceited at all!” – well, that’s good!
To know me, it takes a willingness to be open and honest. And this is where the relationship becomes too much.
I’ll be the first one to go out and have a good time, get crazy and wild, and have no regrets!
But if you’re in a relationship with me for an extended amount of time (no, not a week! Not even a month – thank you!), there will be an expectation for real emotional connection – some intense, soulful discussions. I’m not your therapist and you’re not mine (thank God, right?) but if I care for you and have even professed my love for you, then I want to know you from the inside-out!
To know me, it takes great communication skills, or at least an effort to expand your knowledge of those skills. No, I’m not asking for a great orator or a master intellect (ugh – don’t you hate it when people try to sound smart! LOL), just conversations that go beyond the daily humdrum of life. I crave stimulating conversations and discussions about people’s lives and how they have come to be at the place in life they find themselves.
It’s interesting what happens to a relationship when you have a chance to reach an intense connection simply by sharing the real you! My passion comes out in this way!
There is no expectation for the amount of conversations or stimulating discussions that need to be had, but once every couple of weeks? (Or maybe that is an expectation!) Is that really too much? Cuz if it was up to me, it would be once a week! I know-therapy!!
Me: Intense, serious, passionate, overwhelming, deep…….
And what do you get in return? Loyalty, compassion, supportive through hard times, authenticity, sincerity – not a one-sided relationship, I don’t think.
However, unless you’re my dad (therapist) or a man with a unique ability of being self-aware, I become “too much” for this type of relationship. Too much to handle, too much work, especially when it comes to handling everything long distance and in the crazy world of blended families!
So, this is where I’m at right now, to satisfy the wondering followers that have been asking if I’m still writing! I don’t think this would qualify, except for an update inside my peculiar head!
Thanks for letting me share today!