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Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Core of Me - Part 1

 


Insecurity
........it's just a hard word for me to even say. If someone says "insecure", I think - pitiful, pathetic, fearful. Insecurity for me comes at the most inconvenient times. Just when I am feeling that I have some part of me put together, some part of me is in control, some part of me is on top of the circumstance....BAM! insecurity rears its ugly head and I just want to scream! To describe the feeling is even hard because to say the words out loud is incredibly scary.....but here we go....let's just face it head on!
It feels like a spotlight is on me and all of a sudden people are looking at me with those judging eyes. It immediately takes me back to my elementary days where this shy little girl would shiver with fear if the teacher happened to call her out in class or pick on her to come up to the front of the room. All these voices echoing in my head, "they're gonna laugh at me", "I'm not gonna know the answer", "my clothes don't look right", "my hair looks bad". In my adult mind I can rationalize everything, I know people are not even paying attention to me or what does it really matter what people think of me. But in my heart, it becomes obsessive.
Insecurity becomes self-doubt. I second-guess people's words, expressions, body-language - "did I say that right?" "are they angry at me?" "was that a negative look they just gave me?" Having someone misunderstand me or my intentions is compulsively aggravating. If I feel that someone has the wrong idea about me or has falsely judged me, I become desperate to find out why, how, when, what happened....it's like I have to know all of these answers in order to show them that they were wrong about me.
Why do I feel so easily threatened? What is it about others that seem to take away any security I have?
Why is it that I care way too much about what others think, to the point that I assume the negative so I won't be disappointed or feel like I've let them down?
Why do I become so frozen with indecision? Or obsessed with suspicion?

I labeled this entry Part 1 because it seems this season of my life has brought out feelings of insecurity all over the place and I was inspired to start a book study of Beth Moore's book: So Long Insecurity
So as I go through this book, I am hoping to face this issue head on and conquer it! Or at the very least, change some aspect of my foolish mind-set!

Your comments are welcome and appreciated, especially if you are plagued with the same "enemy" - this would help feed my insecurity that I am not the only one that has this problem!! LOL!

2 comments:

mary said...

I hear you, although I have never thought of you as insecure. I love you girl and I am so glad you are starting the Beth Moore study. I think I'll look into it. I was always more insecure and week than you. I am praying for you and the girls.

Shannon said...

Candace,
I love that I can get to know you better through your blog. It is amazing what we think about others, I have always that you are one of the most confident people I know and have admired you for being so responsible so young. Something I wish I would have been. I can relate about caring what other people think of me. This has plagued me for years, but I am getting better at not letting it bother me. Now, whenever a thought comes to my mind about, "oh, that person is looking at me like that because she thinks I look poor or I am weird", I tell myself, "It is none of my business what other people think of me" (Something Eileen told me a couple of years ago). I also then think, I am very rich, with love and family and friends and, I like being weird!! So there!!
Keep up the writing it's awesome!

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