Reality of Holidays with Kids

Christmas means making memories and continuing traditions and enjoying time together. And I go into my favorite season looking forward to the excitement of it all!

Yet the holiday experience seems to change as kids get older – leaving a different reality than the one I find myself fantasizing.

It seems that the enthusiasm seems to dwindle and the excitement for each Holiday idea gets met with rolling eyes and “do we have to?” comments.

Now I’m not saying that I have tons of Holiday traditions or that I “have” to have certain things done during Christmas, but there are some things that make Christmas “feel” more special.

Like decorating the Christmas tree together, as a family, with each person participating.
My Ideal thoughts play out like this: we all go to pick out the “perfect” tree, not too big, but a good size for the living room....dad brings the tree into the living room setting it in it’s place...we all grab the ornament boxes, turn on the Christmas music, laugh and smile as we put each memorable hand-made ornament on the tree...turn off all of the lights, grab the eggnog and cookies, and sit together as a family admiring the beautiful tree while enjoying the time together!

I know, I’m a little sick in the head to think this way. But somehow, no matter how many years go by, I always catch myself so surprised when the nights’ events turn out WRONG!

Reality: the bickering begins as no one can agree on the right tree...dad brings the tree into the house after fighting to get it straight in the stand for 20 minutes...the Christmas music is put on low so the football game can be watched by dad who is telling everyone where to put the ornaments from the comfort of the couch 6 feet away...the puppy is chewing on the light cord or choking on the pine needles...children are fighting over putting “their” ornaments on the tree, the teenagers are texting and asking when we are going to be done so they can go to their rooms...and by the end of the night, I’m the only one left in the dark room with the half-decorated tree, boxes and paper scattered everywhere, a cookie in one hand and a glass of SPIKED-eggnog in the other – staring at the sleeping man on the couch, wondering where my Christmas tradition went!

I know, I’m complaining – but it won’t last long

So, anyway,

This year, I decided to use the advent calendar shared with us by our foreign exchange student a few years back, and surprise the kids each day with little trinkets and candy as they counted the days till Christmas. Now in my head, I pictured excitement and anticipation as they opened the daily pocket, happy faces and grateful hugs and kisses would be given to me, and they would go enjoy their little gift as they looked forward to the next day.

HAH!

Reality has a way of stomping out such ideal thoughts when it comes to having 2 teenagers and 2 pre-teens! So reality went something like: yelling at each other for picking out the candy before the others were ready, telling me they don’t like that particular candy, the 2 older ones telling the 2 younger ones they could have the toy because it was dumb, and by the end of the 25 day countdown they had to be reminded just to get the stuff out of the pocket!

Now, I know when it comes to having kids, especially teenagers, our “ideal” will never be reached and we should just learn to be content with any happiness or joy we find in life.

But, since I’m not a “should” type of person, I like to think that I can keep my ideals and my Holiday spirit and not lower my expectations simply because I have teens and pre-teens.
I give myself the freedom to get irritated and scream and yell over the most mundane things because that’s me. Because I can also look back and laugh at myself for being neurotic and a bit obsessive.

And I can do this because I know that at the end of the day, my kids – no matter how big they get – still enjoy cuddling up with me, snacking on popcorn, and watching their favorite Christmas movies next to this year's Christmas tree that died 3 days AFTER we bought it! Stupid Tree!!

That Reality will ALWAYS be my Ideal.

The Lost Manners

 

When did a thank you become a request instead of an automatic response to someone giving us something or showing an act of kindness? Have we become so accustomed to receiving that we take for granted the every day work of others?

And how is this played out in our families, with kids showing no appreciation for the blessed lives they lead?

I think the only time I ever hear a thank you in my household is at the dinner table (after prodding for a response to “mmmm, sure tastes good!”) or when I bring home a surprise gift, but that usually ends in a complaint that it was the wrong one somehow.

I have been astounded in the last couple of weeks by the sad response of the high schoolers in writing their teachers Thank You cards. Since I have taken on the Hospitality Chair of our PTO, I thought it would be a nice gesture to buy a bunch of thank you cards and sit at lunch every day for 2 weeks in order to have students come up and sign a card, and then deliver them to the teacher’s mailboxes today. (Not exactly my idea of a great time in the middle of my days, but at least I get to see Sam – not that she would even acknowledge my existence, but that is a different blog entry!)

My first eye-opener was when a girl came up to ask about one of our community service programs and discuss her earning hours. After the discussion, I gestured to the thank you cards laying out on the table and asked her if she would like to write a card to a special teacher for Thanksgiving. Without any hesitation, she looked straight at me, and asked, “do I get service hours if I write a card?” –Did your jaw just drop?- I have to say, I was too stunned to answer her and she ended up just walking away from the table.

What I wanted to say was: WHAT??? Are you kidding me? In order for you to say thank you to a teacher that gives of their time, money, and knowledge to enable you to complete your education, you have to be BRIBED to say a simple thank you?????

My continual eye-opener has been the amount of students that, when asked if they want to write a quick thank you card to a special teacher or administrator, they respond by saying they don’t have any special teachers!!

OH YEA! I forgot!! You’ve gotten to this place in your life ALL BY YOURSELF!! Are you joking??

Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all in vain. There were many girls and a few guys that were quite excited at the idea of thanking their teachers that have been influential in their lives. And it brightened my day to see the smiles on their faces as they thought out each perfect word as they were writing.

So this experience got me wondering about the idea of saying thank you and how the act of saying those words (or the lack of them) affects both the people in our lives as well as our own lives.

During this “Thankful” season, it was interesting that I found a study published by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, analyzed by Professional Counselor Steven Lucas in his article “Saying Thank You is No Longer Just Good Manners”, which was conducted in order to see how gratitude affects both the person saying thank you and the motivation it gives to the other person to keep providing help. Lucas gives a very informative and interesting analysis, and I would encourage you to take the time to read his article at: CounselingCentral.com.

Although I love to make connections and enjoy the study of human behavior, I am definitely NOT a psychologist (yet having a family of psychologists is a pretty good education!), but I completely understand how saying thank you somehow connects people together. Feeling valued and worthy encourages us to keep giving, keep helping and in fact, inspires us to thank the people that help and give so much to us. And so continues the act of saying thank you.

So where has the “attitude of gratitude” gone? Is it still around or has it slipped away along with so many foundational characteristics taught to us by our parents or family? Will it be one of those things that we only notice when it’s gone? I hope not.

Teaching my children to be considerate, appreciative, and thankful has to truly be done explicitly. I have to assume that they will just mimic my behavior or say “thank you” out of obligation, instead of a sincere feeling of gratitude, which only comes from understanding the true worth of effort.

I must remember that taking them to places where they can volunteer their time and help others will benefit them for the rest of their lives. Teaching them to earn what they want instead of just receiving without having done any work will, in time, help create more thankful attitudes and a gracious heart toward other’s needs.

And although I want my children to grow up with a feeling of social worth and be intrinsically motivated to put others before themselves, I also live in reality and can always hope and pray that a little bit of ideal can sneak its way into our family.

And may even be met with a THANK YOU someday.

Spik N' Span

 

Ever feel like you’d like to carry parts of your past into your present? Or stop yourself mid-action because it just came straight out of your childhood? Well that sort of thing happens to me a lot, especially when I’m starting a mind-numbing task like cleaning (!!) or actually the lack of it! Hah!

I caught myself just this morning, walking into the bathroom, getting ready, and then right before walking out, found myself looking back at the clutter on my bathroom sink and thinking (13-year old thoughts) – Mom will put that stuff away! WHAT?? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM??

My mother used to pick up after me constantly and I only say that because I don’t know of one instance (suppressed memories) of when my mother was bugging me to pick up things. Now I’m sure it happened and I’m sure she was pulling her hair out as much as I do (daily) but I always remember her cleaning, having order in the house, making sure things were kept up so when anyone would stop by, she would be ready.

I also know that she picked up after me on a regular basis because I still find myself dropping things in one place or another and thinking for a split second, “someone else will take care of that, or clean that dish, or put that away” REALLY! NO JOKE! It’s like my mental state goes right back to the “good ole days” when I had someone (mom) following me around (or at least my stuff) and making everything nice, clean, organized, and sparkly! Now I seem to be looking behind me, thinking that someone will be nice and kind enough to see that there is a mess and then politely clean it up without my need to say anything!

I know, I’m not basing this argument in reality, and no, I haven’t taken any happy pills to help me imagine such a place, although feel free to share, seeing as I need to go there quite often!

I am not what you would describe as having the need to be constantly cleaning. Some days I wish I had some form of OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder…skipped me!) so that I would actually WANT to get down on my hands and knees to scrub the little rubber connections on the refrigerator door or organize each and every closet, cupboard, and drawer….WITH labels!!. I think that would be a gift! Something that would actually save me money, seeing as how I love to spend my time doing other things (building my business, writing, volunteering, exercising) in a clean house.

See, I’m one of those people that although I would much rather be doing something else, I can’t concentrate unless my house is at least tidy. Even now, I’m having quite a hard time focusing on my words because my eyes keep getting distracted by the books, papers, backpacks, and cups that have begun to litter my living room….dragged in by the mess makers of my house coming home from school.

So I’m left with the only alternative to this chaos, and that is….to clean (UGH!), not super-anti-bacterial-scrub-the-floor-type of cleaning….because that would be too Suzy-homeaker-of me…and then what would I have left to complain about…oh yea, my CHILDREN….so to cleaning (or should I say straightening) I go..now if only I could find my mom!

Wishing Me Enough

 

On my quest to find contentment (hah!!)...due to the fact that the attitudes and behaviors exhibited by my oh-so-grateful children have left a lot to be desired..I figured I may (or may not) have something (just a little) to do with it. I KNOW! CRAZY HUH??

So trying to get to the bottom of why the young people in my house have had terrible, nasty, rude, obnoxious, and irritating attitudes (just my opinion), I wanted to read up on it and find out if it is only my house that seems to be in a constant state of grumpy!

Now I have to start out by saying that there is 1 family member that is the epitome of optimistic happiness and is forever smiling and laughing and being goofy…..and if it wasn’t for her personality, I think our whole house would collapse in piles of sulking faces!! My Madison has such a great, uplifting attitude in most everything she is a part of and it is quite contagious! She may get on the nerves of her brothers and sister, but it is always with the intention to make them laugh…..and I just LOVE her for that!!

BUT, our household obviously has not caught on to Madison’s ability to see the glass half full, which has led me on this quest for ENOUGH.

As the saying goes, “when you point your finger at someone, there are 4 more fingers pointing back at you”, I knew that before I continue to scold and reprimand the ugly attitudes of my children, I first had to look at how my own attitude needed a bit of tweaking!

So in reading blogs, journal entries, and devotionals, I ran across these thoughts by SeniorLiving Ministries which were passed down from generations of mothers to their daughters and have struck a chord in my heart…..(Read at least twice)

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get through the final goodbye."


My wish, for myself, is that I would find this ENOUGH in order to pass onto my children the wisdom in what it takes to truly know what it means to have ENOUGH.


That for everything going on in my life (our lives):

I must choose to joyfully be present so they can learn the value of a good attitude.

I must choose to appreciate, so they can learn to be content.

I must choose to make memories and laughter so they can learn to simply enjoy.


I love to be inspired to be better, to make choices for change that I know will forever impact my ability to become a better person and in turn a better mother.
And I love that with an inspired attitude, I can take on this chaotic life of mine….and SMILE.