Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What am I writing for?

I'm beginning to see a pattern in this psychotic train wreck of blogging that I seem to be obsessed with! And the pattern is....when I begin to think of topics and random thoughts that I want to write about, I end up with the daunting task of actually choosing which topic or thought I would like to delve into.....which brings me to the inability to choose (because I have this brain of mine that immediately shuts down the minute I have to THINK and make a DECISION!).

Ever get that overwhelming feeling that you have so many things in your head and an incredible amount of information that is trying to come to some kind of order, that essentially you sit on the couch (as I did this morning) with your eyes glued to the window (not looking at anything at all), telling yourself to get up and move because there are 5,000 things that need to be taken care of....but no matter how many times you tell your body to move, you sit this in-between state of overwhelming reality and mind-numbing blankness (is that a word?)

This is my journal, so if any of you feel the need to tell "poor Candace" that everything is great and that you have been through "tough times" before...........let me stop you and reitterate that this is my journal, my thoughts, my psychotic episodes and randomness....

I am not down, depressed, angry, miserable, need to be checking in with a psychiatrist, etc. I am simply rambling about my brain that sometimes does not like to work and leaves me on this teeter-totter of consciousness (they make pills for this, right??)

Anyway, back to my original thought (see?), I have been perusing various blogs and enjoying reading other posts (love the BLOGFROG- yeah!) and have gotten so caught up in everyone else's lives and blogs that I haven't posted anything! Kinda like planning a party...buying all of the decorations....making all of the food....picking out the best music.... cleaning the house top to bottom......and then realizing you forgot to invite PEOPLE! That's where I am. I have gotten so wrapped up in what I can do with my blog, how to make it look more interesting, what kinds of buttons and widgets and pictures and everything else that has anything to do with making my life look so much more interesting..........that I suddenly remembered that I haven't written anything at all!!

Oh, but it doesn't all come to a great resolution you see, because then I have wandered my way down the path of uncertain topics to write about! And this, as I stated before (window into my brain - scattered), making a decision as to what I am going to write about is a huge task for me. With all due respect to those incredible women that post something each day, sometimes more, I can't do that. It takes me a while to decide (obviously) and then it's like I need my own crazy insane mind to be inspired enough to finally begin typing.

Ironically, I came to the conclusion to write about my inability to write when I made the choice that I am finally going to get organized and put-together and that it would be great to write about - and then because of the enormity of even the possibility of accomplishing this organizational venture - my mind shut down!

So, after 2 days of an unconscious brain, I decided that in order to "wake" my mind up enough to even consider bringing "organize" into my vocabulary again, I needed to just write...even if it is about the fact that I am not there you go....I wrote - YEAH!!

And applause to you if you read this post and it makes sense, and cheers to you if you have a similar way of psychotic thinking, and (even better) if you are my lost-long twin of mind-numbing consciousness that becomes paralyzed with your own lack of decision-making skills, then let me buy the first round!!


He & Me + 3 said...

Girl I am completely lost. LOL I can never make up my mind and I hate when my husband always asks me to make the decisions. Is he not capable? Grrr. There are two parents in our house with a lack of decision making skills. Good times.

Liz said...

I think so many of us go through these different cycles before settling in to some routine. And the newer a blogger is, the more change there is.

Anonymous said...

Your second paragraph just described about half of my days. Except I don't sit down. I go start fifteen chores with only about three getting done by the end of the day. The entire time my mind reeling. Some days are better than others. It's because I'm not on a schedule. I NEED to be, but have yet to manage it.

I agree with Liz. I'm in my second year of blogging, and I'm still changing things up. I still have rather ridiculous posts that end up deleted weeks down the line. My layout changes. My posting times change. My side column changes. I'm just now, here recently, feeling that I am settling into a tiny bit of consistency.


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