Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Core of Me - Part 2


You know a real "ah-ha" moment when your heart skips a beat or you loudly draw in a quick breath. Reading this book about our insecurities as women has brought on a vast amount of "ah-ha" moments for me. As with all things psychological we must ask ourselves the "why" question in order to come to the root of the problem, in order to either change the behavior or just deal with the fact that we know where the problem started and the enlightenment stops there. I am not one for the latter so I become increasingly curious to ask further and dig deeper.

As I'm reading and realizing that there are roots to this insecurity of mine (which I've known, but chose to ignore, giving credit would mean having to take the steps of admitting I'm not perfect - huh??), a few key notes from Beth Moore heightened my interest.
She states:
a history of unwelcomed changes can be a breeding ground for insecurity, because it invites you to become addicted to dread. You learn to live life with the constant expectation that something bad is about to happen. And because life is life, eventually something bad will happen, deepening your commitment to forecasting doom....It's a miserable trap of self-inflicted insecurity.

Unwelcomed changes.....hmmmm.....what changed in my life growing up? Moving....moving places, moving houses, moving schools......not so much as to say that it seemed to be a negative thing because I don't even remember it being an issue (probably suppressed - right? LOL!

SIDE NOTE - to mom - this is not a run down memory lane to announce that my childhood was scarring and dreadful, quite the opposite in fact :)

But looking back and recalling times in which I had to be the new kid constantly (3 elementary, 2 middle, 2 high schools) and the feeling that everyone else already had a group of people that they had known for a very long time, led me in reading these chapters, that these changes were not necessarily welcomed. Now did they help? Sure.......I learned to make friends easily, to be a good student (no attention then) and to embrace change eagerly (see, positive!)
So much so that I soon began to want change, the newness, the starting over. I learned to have that pompous attitude of having "seen" different places and "experienced" more than other kids - to come across as better! I wanted to keep their attention by being different instead of plain and ordinary.
By the time high school came around and everyone else had years of foundational experience with each other, I began to crave a new setting as soon as I had lost the newness attention or the "interesting" part of me.


Well here's the ah-ha! If I make the change before something comes along to make the change for me, I get to be in control!

Now for all of you control freaks, you're with me, you relate.......for the others, this has gotten way too deep for a blog and you are logging off as we speak!

But truly, this has been eye opening for me because I have always wondered why I seem to actually like moving to new places - be it houses, neighborhoods, or even (Lord help my children) states. As my mother would say, I have a Gypsy complex! As I have put it in past years - I get bored easily! Hah!

You see (getting deep again), if I make circumstances surrounding me change, then I keep the spotlight off of me or my vast amount of sick "issues". Then I never have to change and become better because I'm too busy with my circumstances! If I get too settled and my life becomes too routine, I think something is going to come along and mess my life up - so what do I do? - I change circumstances before they can change me!! How's that Dr. Phil!!

Eye-opening! I needed to know this......I needed to see this........
But, as I have stated before, I do not take something on if I cannot follow through to the outcome, and then pray that I can be brave enough to make a change in my own life....

So next step.......How to convince myself to loosen the grip of my perceived control and allow life to happen, good or bad........

then again, this house is too small and I still have boxes! LOL!!


Nicoel Fowlks said...

Hey you are a good person.Also there isnt anything wrong with the way you think. Just give your self a break and enjoy life for what it is. Like i say be the best you can be and dont worry what others think just worry about being a great mom and a great person the rest of the mess will work its self out. love ya sis.

claudia Mullin said...

What brilliant daughters I have! You write so well. I especially like your sense of humor about it all! No more "Note to Mom." Say what you feel without worrying about how it might hit me! Unwanted change does breed insecurity. Important insight! Love you both!


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